The Amish of Indiana have a saying, but they won’t tell any of us English types what it is.  I think it goes something like “Wenn Englis die Antwort ist, wie blod ist dann die Frage gewesen?.”  (Literally, “I’m with Stupid”).

Never has this saying had MORE meaning than the other day when I found myself watching history.  If the History channel has taught me anything, it’s that (1) Boy did people used to be stupid! And (2) the remote control is the greatest invention of our time.  Still, my television set got stuck on said channel for nearly eleven minutes the other day while I frantically tore the house down looking for the remote, and I learned several heretofore unknown facts concerning our nation’s liberation from the Amish (or at least that’s what I heard from under the couch) way back in 1470ish.

Everyone remembers from grade school that our great nation came to be not simply because really really really boring stuff happened back when dinosaurs roamed the countryside.  No, there were some really great battles, too!  Luckily, all these were caught on tape and played during the afternoons in the 70s, so that every red-blooded American could learn what a hero Alan Alda was, and how much smarter we were than our German adversaries (that Klink, what a moron).  Sadly, these tapes are rarely shown anymore, and most of us only remember that General George “Whitey” Washington won the battle of Bunker Forge with a feather in his hat, which he called macaroni.  Presto, America !  Right?

Wrong!  All manner of complex strategery were employed to overcome the Amish, including projectile weapons (Linda Blair?), surprise attacks (Happy Birthday to You!  You live in a Shoe!  Now all of our bayonets!  Are sticking in you!), um, the underground railroad, and martinizing (which used to take over an hour, whatever it is).  If it hadn’t been for Paul Revere, who rode fearlessly through the night screaming at folks – “The Amish are coming!” – granted, it was just a bafflingly stupid marketing ploy designed to sell more Corning Ware – we might be riding in buggies to a barn raising instead of not.  His rousing of “the minute men” (never before or since in history has it been admirable to be called one, by the way) may well have turned the tide in an important battle, or even the whole WAR for that matter.  I’m not sure, since by then I had found the remote.  I can tell you that it was NOT a ghost outside the attic window, but just those tricky Brady sisters trying to scare the boys.

Anyway, after accepting the Amish’ unconditional surrender (and negotiating one of the harshest peace agreements of all time – I mean really, no buttons or electricity?) there was no time to kick back and drink beer and pat each other on the butts and say “nice war” (well, ok, a little time).  No, they had to devise a more perfect union, and elect people to wreck it.

The point is, as Abraham Lincoln, inventor of the penny, once said: “ Rome wasn’t built in a day, and America also wasn’t” (I believe Lincoln said that, or else it was Bush).  To commemorate what must have been weeks of effort, we need to come together and celebrate our clear superiority as Americans at least once a year.  I suggest large amounts of grilled meat, beer, and explosions in the sky.