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Martha Stewart Emerges From Prison a "New Woman"

NEW YORK, NY - After five grueling months in prison, serving time for a crime for which she continues to protest her innocence, Martha Stewart has been released.  Fans and foes alike will be watching for signs of change in the millionaire felon, as she resumes work at the company she founded, and prepares to star in a couple television shows:  Ask A Prison Bitch and Don't Make Martha Bust You Up, Fool.

Other than a couple really cute prison tats, it appears to be the same old Martha.

Stewart was in jail subsequent to her conviction for murdering puppies for sport, or else cheating at backgammon or illegal stock trades or something.  The trial was pretty boring, I do remember that. 

Martha has not been idle during her time behind bars.  She spent much of the time advocating for prisoners rights, many of whom threatened to put a shank into her back if she didn't make things nicer for them.  But it would be misleading to say that all these efforts were simply the result of threats.  Certainly bribes were involved as well.

Still, Martha does claim that she was moved hearing the stories of many inmates.  She was shocked to learn that so many, like her, were doing time even though they were completely innocent.

"I don't think I met a single person who said they were guilty," said Ms. Stewart.  "That doesn't speak very well for our criminal justice system."  She went on to say that, if it is at all possible in the coming months, she plans to really think about whether there might be something she can possibly do to help those she left behind.   

Blake Trial Goes to Jury 

LOS ANGELES, CA - The theme of celebrities terrorizing the public who made them famous continued, as attorney Gerald Schwartzbach made his closing arguments in the Robert Blake murder trial.

"Even if you feel certain that Mr. Blake shot his wife after he could not find someone to do it for him, you shouldn't convict," said Schwartzbach.  "Even if you have no way to form a reasonable doubt as to his guilt for this crime, I think you should take a moment to ask yourself, 'Has this man ever entertained me, or someone I may or may not know?'  If you answer that question with a 'Yes', or a 'Maybe', or even an 'I don't know', you must acquit."

Jurors openly laughed at this argument, and several were seen making the pirate cutthroat sign at Blake as they took a break from flipping him off.  Still, Schwartzbach was upbeat.

"I don't think you can read too much into the jury's clear hatred for my client," he said.  "They pretty clearly hate me, and I'm not worried that I'll go to jail."

Blake may not have helped his cause by testifying.  To the question: "You loved your wife, didn't you?" he answered: "Yes, that's why I'm so sad that I killed her, or, I mean, would be sad had I killed her, but I didn't, so I'm not, I mean, I'm sad that she's dead, but I'm not sad that I killed her, since I didn't, and if I had, I probably wouldn't be sad, because in that case I'd have gotten what I want, though I would be sad that I got caught, you know, if I had killed her.

Columns                                      

Christobol - The Secret of Life

Gertrude Sez

Syria Agrees to Pretend to Withdraw from Lebanon 

DAMASCUS, SYRIA - Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced that he is willing to withdraw his military from Lebanon now that Lebanon is capable of defending herself, at least in theory.  "It has been our pleasure to assist our neighbors over the years, and now that they appear to be ready to manage themselves, I am prepared to pretend to let them." 

"We are pleased that our efforts to strengthen Lebanon have gone so well," added Assad.  "And even though the Lebanese citizens return scorn for our charity, we certainly won't have a bunch of them killed as we continue to dominate their politics."

Parts of Lebanon or Syria might look like this, for all I know.

Lebanese president Emile Lahoud had no comment, other than to insist that Assad stop pronouncing his name "Emily" and giving him rug burns.  

Local                               

South Dakotans Having Real Difficulty Caring About Professional Sports

SIOUX FALLS, SD - The lack of major league teams in the state of South Dakota continues to contribute to an overall lack of enthusiasm for professional sports.  While tens of people gather to cheer on such minor league teams as the Canaries (baseball), the Stampede (hockey), and the Gold (basketball), it remains true that junior high girls volleyball practices routinely draw larger crowds.

"What we need is a major league team here in Sioux City," said Mayor Anna Butler.  "There are 85000 people in this city.  Granted, we'd have to get about half of them to come to every single game in order to support a major league team, but that doesn't seem so hard."

Butler has several promotional ideas, such as Play NFL Quarterback Night, wherein a lucky fan would suit up and start for the home team.  "I understand he or she would probably have to be pulled by the second quarter," said Butler, "but the idea is to get fan involvement and have fun."  She also mentioned that the fan would need to sign some sort of waiver, "...in case their heads get yanked off or something."

Another idea Butler mentioned is: Shower With the Team Night, which she said would get her out to just about every game.

The commissioners of the NFL, NBA, and MLB were not contacted for this story, but it is safe to say that they have no plans to put a team in Sioux City.  

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Found:  Parking spot.  Well, I did have to move someone's lawn furniture, but what the heck was that doing in the street?  

Lost: Combination to my gym locker.  I was out those two days with the flu or something, and now I totally can't remember that stupid combination.  The coach says if they have to cut it again I have to pay ten bucks.  Please send me your guess on what it might be, because I just don't have access to that kind of money.

Did you know you can get $666 for your soul on ebay?  It's true, so far, every single soul sold on ebay has gone for that price.  Weird.

Lucifer Mephistopheles, Esquire.  Personal Injury, Estate Planning, Algebra Tutoring.  I'm retired.  I've opened an ebay business.

Jenean, okay, it was what it looked like.  How do you feel about giving your ring to Jamey?  After all, it was your grandmother's, and you only got it because I married you, and now I wish I had married Jamey instead.  Well, let me know. 

Found: Half a packet of ketchup, about half a block from McDonalds.  Really it's more than half full, so if you're the one who accidentally dropped it, please come claim it at Jeremy's house this week.

Dr. Jack's amateur cosmetic surgery center.  You could pay more, but why?

Would you like to learn Karate?  Do you ever wish that you could totally annihilate people who pick on you, or cut in line, or just act like jerks?  Man, so do I.

Did you know that you can be a millionaire in just ten days?  It's true!  All you have to do is put away $100,000 each day, and in just ten days you would have a million.  Or you could put away $50,000 a day for twenty days.  Whatever fits your budget, really.

Lost: Paradise.

Found: Map of Purgatory, with secret passageways leading to shortcut to Heaven, or somewhere.