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California Causing Global Warming

YUCCA VALLEY, CA - Ironically, one of the states known for having a population most concerned about global warming, or at least most concerned about figuring out who should take the blame for it, is a leading cause of the phenomenon. 

Even Bill and Ted can't seem to get a handle on this crazy camp fire.

Ignoring commonly accepted standards for camp fire safety, California has a 120 square mile blaze going.  That's just excessive. 

Rothlisberger Says He Won't Do Helmet Safety Ads

PITTSBURGH, PA - It's as if he's on a mission to prove that he's the dumbest man alive.  First the multimillion dollar earning QB of the defending Superbowl champion Steelers decides to ride a motorcycle - already a dangerous habit for someone who is handsomely overpaid for his physical gifts - then he kicks it up a notch by forgetting to wear a helmet.

His ensuing accident brought him seconds from death, according to his account, and put him in rehab.  Instead of working on being in the best possible shape to defend the championship, now he's just trying to be ready to start getting in shape at training camp.  Now he says he won't do helmet safety ads - as if his whole life hasn't become a helmet safety ad.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Feeling Strong Now!

Gertrude Sez

Israel, Hezbollah Continue to Tussle

HAIFA, ISRAEL - Several rockets hit buildings in Haifa today, causing one to collapse.  Meanwhile, Israel continues its offensive into southern Lebanon, hoping to create a buffer zone that will prevent additional rocket fire into its cities.  It's likely that Israel will hold the territory, hoping to secure the release of hostages and force concessions as terms for its return.

Sources on both sides of the conflict deny that the imminent expiration of several thousand stockpiled missiles has anything to do with the latest violence, though they noted that, "It would be a shame to waste them."

Chances are that peace will not break out anytime soon in the region.

Local                               

Jeff Snotshorts Is A Big Idiot

PUKEVILLE, NE  -  You won't see him on Good Morning America anytime soon, but Jeff Snotshorts is every bit as irresponsible as Ben Rothlisberger.

I saw him at the Sav-A-Bit on Thursday afternoon with his son, Dank.  Granted, Dank is one of the uglier kids you'll ever meet, and he's 23, but there Jeff was pushing him around the store on one of those carts, not bothering to strap him in.  What if Dank had fallen?

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Madame Bovine is now officially predicting that Barbaro will die, at some point.

Jack Johnson School of Useless Skills can show you how to get free fries when you order a hamburger and soda. 

Al's Corner Gas is sorry for any inconvenience caused when our pumps inadvertently overcharged everyone for the last several years.

Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  -  Because juries identify with lawyers who wear clip-ons. 

For Sale:  Soap on a rope.  Slightly used.  Think of the hair as a loofa.   

 Lurlene's Bar & Grill - The only place in town serving 32 oz tequila shots.

Lost: Ticket stub from Ernest Does A Goat.   I was saving it for sentimental reasons.