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Sweet Justice Takes a Nap

ASPEN, CO - Like most convicts facing decades in federal prison, Ken Lay whiled away his time thinking over his appeal strategy while sipping wine among the absurdly wealthy in a luxury tourist community. 

Being a multi-millionaire wasn't always easy, but Ken was a coper.

Ultimately he opted for the clever strategy of just dying.  His lawyers did not comment, but furious prosecutors are said to be drawing up motions to have Lay buried in a maximum security prison, in order to "...send a message." 

Italy Wins World Cup on Penalty Kicks

BERLIN, GERMANY - Once again the most prized trophy in the world's most popular sport was determined by penalty kicks, after France and Italy played the final match to a 1-1 tie.  France's Zinedine Zidane, widely considered the most talented player in the tournament, as well as a cheese eating temper monkey, was red carded during overtime when Italian player Marco Materazzi taunted him into a head-butt.

This gave Italy a huge edge during the decisive penalty kicks - the equivalent of the NBA crowning a champion via a free throw competition, which I'm pretty sure the Mavs would have favored.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Being a Tourist at Home

Gertrude Sez

North Korea's SCUD Test Rattles Neighbors

TOKYO, JAPAN - Sure, the test fired missile only stayed aloft for a few seconds, like a rip-off "Supa Numba One Cherry Boom-Boom Extravaganza" bought at a roadside fireworks stand, but it still grabbed regional attention.

Some believe that the key to getting Kim Jong-Il to back off on his pursuit of nuclear weapons is to offer him free cosmetic surgery.

Japan is reviewing its constitution to see if there is anything in it that would frown on a move to annihilate its pesky neighbor, while China is rumored to be considering a reduction in the flow of poorly made shirts to the rebel nation.

Local                               

Scandal Rocks Wine Country

NAPA, CA  -  The trendy tasting rooms, filled with expensive items to tempt the well heeled traveler, were bereft of commentary regarding a recent revelation that the nation's leading wineries had run completely out of stock, and were all serving Boone's Farm selections.

"Luckily, so far the clients have not noticed, and we have encouraged our servers to increase sample sizes to keep everyone happy," said Jean-Leuc Smythe, of Raven Crow Enchanted Secret Garden Castle Winery.

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Madame Bovine regrets if her heavy drinking adversely affected any of her predictions over the last three decades, and is extending a half-price offer to anyone whose life was ruined as a result.

Jack Johnson School of Useless Skills can help you organize your glove box in just 30 days. 

Al's Corner Gas denies that its car wash was specifically designed to rip antennas off for spite.

Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  -  Making so many mistakes during trials that appeals are almost automatic. 

For Sale:  Temporary Tattoo removal kit.   

 Lurlene's Bar & Grill - Where we take "Coyote Ugly" a hell of a lot more seriously than the movie did.

Found: Doorway to a secret magical world where squirrels are friendly and you are not allowed.