National

International

Updates

Zoellick Resigns As Deputy Secretary of State

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Having served in the State Department since all the way back in February 2005 (dinosaurs are said to have roamed the earth then), Robert Zoellick announced that he had accomplished all his goals (such as learning to find his office all by himself) and would be leaving to join Goldman Sachs in July.

Officials maintain that Zoellick's resignation has nothing to do with a special relationship he initiated with a Panda during a diplomatic visit to China..

Condoleeza Rice had nothing but praise for her departing colleague, who she said could almost always be counted on to wear pants.  

Lefty Tries to Make Mavs Feel Better

MAMARONECK, NY - A lot of the sporting world's attention has been focused on the Dallas Mavericks' epic collapse in the final six and one half minutes of Game 3 of the NBA finals, in which they surrendered a 74 point lead.

Perhaps as an act of charity, Phil Mickelson choked down his three iron on Sunday, double-bogeying the 18th to hand the U.S. Open title to Geoff Ogilvy.  His act went unappreciated, however, as the Mavs choked another game away only hours later.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Who's Your Daddy?

Gertrude Sez

North Korea Plans Test Fire of Intercontinental Missile

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - In a continuing effort to provide safe, clean energy to North Korean households via intercontinental missiles, Kim Jong Il announced plans to bomb America this week.

In North Korea, Kim Jong Il has made it fashionable to cut your own hair and wear shirts transported from a 1970s JC Penneys.

The United States responded by naming North Korea as a charter member of the Axis of Colon Cancer, and threatened to be "pretty damned pissed," if it was attacked.

Local                               

NBA Tests New Finals Format

MIAMI, FL  -  When the Heat failed to show up for the first two games of the NBA Finals, many assumed that it was due to a scheduling conflict involving free spicy wings at a strip club in Fort Lauderdale.

Then the Mavericks inexplicably left Game 3 six and a half minutes early, allowing the Heat to just barely catch up.  "It should have been easier," admitted an embarrassed Pat Riley.  "But we kept accidentally fouling Shaq."

It appears that the NBA is responding to negative feedback from the 2-3-2 format for the finals (all the other series follow a 2-2-1-1-1 format) by relaxing the requirements that players or even whole teams bother to show up or stay for the whole road game.

Miami has not yet said whether it plans to come to Dallas for games six and seven.

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Madame Bovine can tell you what you are destined to come back as.  Some of you may want to stop squishing roaches.

Jack Johnson School of Useless Skills can tell you the best way to celebrate an NBA Finals road victory. 

Al's Corner Gas apologizes for any confusion regarding the "free gas" promotion this weekend.  We assumed you would know we were joking.

Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  -  Not really sure how one goes about fighting extradition, so I'll take such cases at discount. 

For Sale:  Complete photographic essay of my travels through Asia, entitled "Fu#$ing Lens-Cap." 

 Lurlene's Bar & Grill - Extending "Beauty's In The Eye of the Beerholder" specials until August.

Found: Geraldo Rivera action figure.  Or else it's "Gay Porn Ken".