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Storm Season Finds U.S. Totally Prepared

TAMPA, FL - While it is not expected to become a hurricane, Alberto - the first named storm of 2006 - has ushered in another season of boarding up homes and spending bazillions of taxpayer dollars.

Experts agree that FEMA trailers are perfect for weathering hurricanes, provided you're not anywhere near them.

The U.S. government announced plans to just send everyone in a potential storm path to Branson, Missouri for the summer.  "That place is great fun for the whole family," said this year's FEMA scapegoat David Paulison.  "Heck, lots of folks go there even when their homes are not being destroyed."

Violent Crime Rates Climb for First Time in 13 Years

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The FBI announced that Americans have become more violently criminal over the last twelve months, after more than a decade of becoming kinder and gentler.

"Even the Vice President was shooting people in the face this year," said one official, "so maybe it was just a blip in the stats, or maybe more jerks have weapons than before."

Columns                                      

Christobol - Only in America

Gertrude Sez

Cause of Al-Zarqawi's Death Reviewed

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - Well known terrorist and international mime enthusiast Abu Musab al-Zarqawi remains dead after last week's bombing of his hideout, and American officials are closer to determining the cause.

This undated and undoctored photo of Al-Zarqawi shows he was a major stoner.

Major General General Major announced that the results of an autopsy, while not 100% conclusive, were "Close enough for government work.  Two bombs resulted massive internal injuries, but we feel the primary causes of death were lung cancer and a bad attitude."

Other doctors indicated they didn't agree with the official findings, since it is widely held that Zarqawi wasn't getting enough bran.

Local                               

Heat Forgot About Finals

DALLAS, TX  -  In an embarrassing snafu for the NBA, players for the Miami Heat apparently forgot that the finals were being held this week in Dallas.  

The host Mavericks went ahead and played games 1 and 2 against some rec league players bussed over from a local YMCA, winning pretty easily.

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Madame Bovine is sorry if your future sounds just like the plot from Lost or 24.  That doesn't mean she's running out of ideas.

Jack Johnson School of Useless Skills - showing women how to trim their sideburns since 1958. 

Al's Corner Gas has licensed therapists standing by to help you cope with the fortune you just spent at our pumps.

Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  - When the main thing you're looking for in the divorce is to hurt your ex as much as possible, come to the lawyer who carries a wrench in his briefcase. 

For Sale:  Siskel & Roeper's "scariest movie ever," - Shaq At The Free Throw Line  

 Lurlene's Bar & Grill - We've got the NHL on over 40 screens for you to ignore!

Found: Pseudo remote control car - the kind with the wire attached.  Just looking to punch the parent who bought it.