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Gay Marriage Takes Center Stage

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, and Korea taken care of, the national debt retired, and gas dropping to eleven cents per barrel, attention in the nation's capital turned to the constitutional definition of marriage.

Most people agree that marriage should unite an emu-chick and a fly-dude.

"Look," argued Senator Poohicky of Alabama, "if we don't get this nailed down, the next thing you know a so-called family of nine men, three women, and a goat is going to move into the single family dwelling next to everybody's gramma.  Now do we want that?"

Michelle Wie Out To Prove She Has A Winky

SUMMIT, N.J. - Although the fantastically talented teen hasn't exactly torn up the LPGA, Michelle Wie concentrated on her efforts to make the cut for the men's U.S. Open tournament this week.

It's unclear whether it's the tremendous disparity in money and fame that has attracted her to the men's tour, or just her winky.  Either way, she and her "big stick" will be competing against women next week.

Columns                                      

Christobol - The Right To Remain Stupid

Gertrude Sez

It's Like Deja-Vu All Over Again

LIMA, PERU - Alan Garcia appears to once again be president of Peru, 16 years after his last effort nearly ruined the place.

What - is there a shortage of people willing to be president in Peru or something?

The election featured violence in the street, including the pelting of Garcia with an egg at one point.  But that may be traditional.

Asked about his return to politics, Garcia said something in Spanish, and it wasn't "taco" or "tequila" or "shut up you dumb gringo", so I don't really know what he was saying.

Local                               

Duke Reinstates Lacrosse

DURHAM, N.C.  -  After complaints from both fans, Duke University has decided that the men's lacrosse team will play next season.

However, they will be under a strict probation.  No longer can team members expect to receive up to three warnings when they are caught raping a stripper.  Also, the coaches have been asked to cut down on the amount of tequila used in training sessions.

Lacrosse is apparently some sort of sport or something.

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Madame Bovine would donate the money for her child's pictures to her favorite charity, only so far no one has offered any money.

Jack Johnson School of Useless Skills can teach exceptionally dumpy poets how to avoid paparazzi. 

Al's Corner Gas must require you to purchase a soft drink if you stick your head in the cooler and "just look" for more than five minutes.

Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  - Specializing in "Classless Action" lawsuits. 

For Sale:  Steve Nash championship haircut replica kits.  Hey, I got a little excited.  

 Lurlene's Bar & Grill - If you lick a bottle, we have to insist that you purchase it from now on.

Found: Coupons for corn.  Buy one can, get another can for the same price you bought the first can at.  Come on, corn is already cheap.