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Paulson Nominated as Treasury Secretary

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Just days after saying he "...hadn't heard anything about Treasury Secretary John Snow resigning," and stating that he's doing "a heck of a job," President Bush announced that he was nominating Henry Paulson of Goldman Sachs to replace Snow, who is resigning.  Has anyone looked into whether "heck of a job," is Bush's code phrase for forced resignation?

Paulson, moments before pulling his entire face off at a Goldman Sachs company picnic.

"We're real sad to see Snow go," said Bush.  "But lucky for the American people, Henry Paulson, with his hep cat groovy green hair and purple glasses, is available.   Guys like him pick chunks of inflation out of their stool."

Bonds is Number Two

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Barry Bonds, who has made headlines recently as the subject of rumors that his devouring of babies' souls helped him gain unnatural strength, surpassed Babe Ruth on the career home-run list by hitting his 715th dinger, against Jenny Wilbanks in a Baptist Co-ed Tournament consolation round game.

"I don't care if several of them were hit against one armed women, and under the influence of innocent souls consumed under a harvest moon, that's a lot of frikken home-runs!" said sports commentator Les Testies.

After the game, Bonds reached out to disenchanted fans, saying, "It is a humbling experience to be the greatest athlete ever to walk the face of the earth, and to demolish the records of fat white guys."

Columns                                      

Christobol - Friend or Fan?

Gertrude Sez

Hussein Defense Claims Key Witnesses Killed

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - Lawyers for deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, who has sort of been on trial for crimes against humanity for many months, argued that their case has been hampered by the killing of important witnesses.

The defense continued to object to the requirement that Hussein hold a bloody axe while testifying, though he did not seem to mind.

"The fact is that the most important witnesses - namely those killed under Saddam Hussein's orders - are not available to testify.  We consider it a fundamental right of the accused to cross examine those he has killed," argued defense attorneys.

It was a subdued day for Saddam, who let his lawyers talk while he quietly ate a puppy.

Local                               

Memorializing White Trash

DOG ISLAND, FL  -  In a tradition dating back at least several years, if not less, thousands of self described "white trash" folks gathered on Memorial Day to get snockered on the beaches of Dog Island.

"It's just a good time for the whole family, especially if your family has some drunk chicks who like to make out with each other," said Wayne Hickeygroin, who was at the event selling "official" white-trash t-shirts.

Puke stained ones could be had for half price.

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Madame Bovine is in touch with your recently deceased goldfish, and can tell you who put the alka-seltzer in the bowl.

Jack Johnson School of Useless Skills has a program for men that will give you sexy ankles in just six weeks. 

Al's Corner Gas - where the bathrooms are hosed down every single Friday, whether they need it or not.

Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  - The only lawyer in town with an advanced degree from the University of the Bahamas allowing the practice of dentistry in Sri Lanka. 

For Sale:  Cleveland Cavaliers NBA Championship t-shirts.  Hey, I got a little excited.  

 Lurlene's Bar & Grill - The only bar in city limits offering penicillin as one of the shots.

Found: The remote control for your clock-radio.  How lazy can you possibly be?