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Cold Hard Cash And Politics

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Having found ninety thousand dollars in a freezer in the home of William Jefferson (D-LA), federal investigators decided to have a look around his office on Capitol Hill.

Perhaps voters should have taken his campaign slogan of "I'll do that for a dollar!" a bit more seriously.

Jefferson, who has also been criticized for diverting U.S. National and Coast Guard resources to retrieve his own property in the immediate aftermath of hurricane Katrina, has called the entire investigation a silly misunderstanding.  This in spite of the fact that he's been caught on tape accepting a $100K bribe.

"I think most citizens keep large amounts of cash in their freezers, and, given the choice, they'd prefer my stuff get saved during a natural disaster," said Jefferson, who then asked for a dollar.

Pistons End Cavs Dream

DETROIT, MI - The Cleveland Cavaliers, with their man-child Lebron James, appeared on the cusp of eliminating the defending Eastern Conference champs.

Then they broke their legs out of the gate, and Detroit won.  It is hoped that surgery will allow the Cavs to survive for a life of stud services, though.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Kids And Other Mysteries

Gertrude Sez

Montenegro Divorces Serbia

PODGORICA, MONTENEGRO - Montenegrans voted for independence from Serbia, becoming their own nation once again after an 88 year hiatus, for which they will receive E.U. recognition and a discount on breaded halibut.

Does this mean we'll see more of those sweet, sweet Yugos?

Former Yugoslavia had already been split up into Slovenia, Croatia, Macedonia, Bosnia, and Herzegovina.  Serbia and Montenegro became the Federal Republic of Yugoslavia in 1992, and selected Slobedan Milosevic as Prime Rat Bastard.

Even charitable organizations such as "People For Loving Hugs For Everyone Everywhere" agree that what the region really needs is a massive natural disaster - nature's "do-over" button.

Local                               

Maines Tries to Mend Fences

NEW YORK, NY  -  Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks, who caused a hoopla in 2003 by announcing to a concert crowd in London that she was having George Bush's love child, is back in full hoopla mode.

Actually, she announced she was ashamed that Bush was from Texas, but I think we all read between the lines and knew she was professing love.  Now, she's taking back her previous apology and saying that Bush deserve no respect at all.

Obviously what she really means is she dreams of being his little intern plaything.  Of course, none of this is meant to draw attention to the impending Dixie Chicks CD release.

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Madame Bovine has spoken with Abner Doubleday's ghost, who has calculated that, between juiced balls and juiced Bonds, the man actually only has four career home-runs.

Jack Johnson School of Useless Skills can teach men how to manage their lady's incessant demands for sex. 

Al's Corner Gas now offers "The Pepsi Kegger," for people who really can't get enough flat pop.

Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  - Specializing in threatening letters to undereducated people.  Do you have a disagreement with ignorant people?  Garreth's your man! 

For Sale:  Brightly colored beads.  Will consider trade for Oklahoma.  

 Lurlene's Bar & Grill - Where "dollar long-neck specials" almost never involve emus.

Found: The Secret Amish Zipper Playground.