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Much Ado About Everything

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Capitol Hill was abuzz, and not just with the usual consumption of mass quantities of liquor, but with discussion of an NSA eavesdropping scheme that has collected data on phone calls made by, well, everyone. 

This cartoon shows how most Americans want their phone calls routed.

Senators scrambled to come up with a position on the issue, as polls indicated that a majority of Americans didn't really care if their phone records were collected.  

This caught many off guard, and led to interesting statements like that of Senator Clinton, who said:  "The mass collection of the telephone records of ordinary American citizens is completely unacceptable, but necessary in the war on terror, so get back to me after the next poll." 

Bush to Send National Guard to Defend Border

WASHINGTON, DC - With some Republicans wetting their pants over the sieve that is the U.S. border with Mexico, White House officials have indicated that President Bush is considering sending National Guardsman to reinforce overwhelmed border patrols.

They are not to have law enforcement responsibilities or powers, and therefore will not be arresting illegal immigrants.  The idea is for them to dress in short skirts, carry pom-poms, and generally make the border patrol officers feel happy, which is why most people join the National Guard in the first place.

Columns                                      

Christobol - When Life Hands You Lemons

Gertrude Sez

Hussein Declares Immunity As President of Iraq

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - In a trial that has been going on (sort of) for several months, the court finally got around to announcing charges against Saddam Hussein this week. 

In the event Saddam's immunity is not recognized by the court, sources indicate he will pursue a verdict of innocent because he is Colonel Sanders.

Hussein responded to charges of killing, torture, imprisonment, and executions by stating that no one could resist his biscuits.

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Gators Gone Wild

GAINESVILLE, FL  -  It's one thing when they're a cute cartoon figure on the side of a helmet.  It's quite another when they are dragging you underwater to eat you.

Alligators can be dangerous, as three women killed by the frisky reptiles in the last week can attest.  Well, actually they can't, unless you can contact through Madame Bovine or something.

Florida wildlife officials have indicated that the cause for the recent increase in attacks is not entirely known, but may have something to do with people just being stupid.

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Madame Bovine spoke with Babe Ruth, who claimed, between sobs, that he doesn't care if Bonds passes his homerun total.

Jack Johnson School of Useless Skills, helping men of all ages master the art of faking orgasms. 

Al's Corner Gas is not responsible if you feel ripped off by the three "special fantasy sex novelty" items you get for 50 cents in the men's room.

Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  - Have you been seriously disfigured by a monstrously wealthy individual or corporation who was high on crack at the time of the so-called accident?  You may be surprised to learn that you are entitled to free aspirin for life!  Call Garreth! 

For Sale:  Magic beans.  Will consider trade for a cow.  

 Lurlene's Bar & Grill - voted most likely place to find "Mr. Right-Now".

Found: Grizzly Bear-Poodle hybrid.