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CIA to Get New Leader

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a surprising development over the weekend, Central Intelligence Agency director Peter Goss, who also happens to be an illegal migrant worker from Mexico, resigned his post. 

Goss, seen here singing "the Shoop Shoop song" at a Senate hearing, will be missed.

President Bush announced his nominee to replace Goss, Peter Parker, at a press conference at the Oval Office.  Later, the White House quietly indicated that Bush was fully aware that Spider Man is a fictional character, and that the real candidate was Air Force General Michael Hayden.

Goss leaves the CIA just one week after announcing that Bigfoot, and not terrorism, represents the single biggest threat to American interests, especially in rural Arkansas.

Companies Create Contingency Plans for Bird Flu Pandemic

NEW YORK, NY - Responding to a 473,000 page report published by the White House outlining the necessary steps for the U.S. to handle a bird flu outbreak that could kill all but six people in North America, U.S. companies are developing plans for how they would respond in a worst case scenario.

Some are considering telecommute options, while others will increase the font on the "Employees Must Wash Hands" signs in their bathrooms.  Probably the single most important adjustment, according to health experts, is to get co-workers to reduce the amount of time they spend sucking on one another's tongues.

Columns                                      

Christobol - This Column is Steroid Free

Gertrude Sez

Brits Deny That Aliens Control Them

LONDON, ENGLAND - A secret study by the Ministry of Defense has concluded that space aliens are not responsible for the state of British dentistry. 

Nigel Thumpmonkey, winner of England's Prettiest Smile, 2006.

"It might be nice to blame the antics of royal family members on an elaborate mind control system developed by a race of super-beings from another galaxy, but the fact is we just have no evidence that such a race exists, nor that they would bother visiting England if they did," said Thom Wellesleynipples of the Ministry of Things That Make You Go Hmmmm.

Farmers whose crops have occasionally been flattened by UFOs when they visit to probe them remained unconvinced.

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Why Not A Moat?

BUTTE VALLEY, IA  -  There has been a lot of talk about building a huge wall between Mexico and the U.S. to try to control illegal border crossings.

It seems like a good idea.  After all, China has their "Great Wall", and they have almost no problem with Mexicans working in their country illegally.

But do we want to copy the Chinese?  How about a "Great Moat" between the U.S. and Mexico?  We could fill it with sharks and electric eels and tigers and stuff.  Then we wouldn't be copy-cats. 

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Madame Bovine can predict how large Barry Bonds' head will get, within about a yard.

Jack Johnson School of Useless Skills can show you how to differentiate between dinner and salad forks in just two weeks. 

Al's Corner Gas - home of the free soft drink with any fill up over $400.

Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  - Where you're not guilty until proven guilty by a jury of your peers, unless you run out of money first. 

For Sale:  Three Bean Jello recipe.  Why let someone else be the talk of the pot luck?  

 Lurlene's Bar & Grill - the only completely vinyl bar in town.

Found: Big barrel of rum with a really special taste.