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Illegal Immigrants on Strike

EVERYWHERE, U.S. - While Republicans and Democrats vie for pole position in the race for the most comprehensively stupid immigration plan, millions of Hispanic workers plan to take today off from work and shopping. 

President Bush inadvertently joined a protest parade early Monday.

"We are hoping that by not coming to work and not buying anything and running around in the streets, we will demonstrate that we have taken the day off," said Juan Twothree, an illegal immigrant who works as CEO of Ford Motor Co. 

"Yes, eat that, you bitches," added Juan Tontomato, who has found part time work picking lettuce and running IBM.

Congress to Probe Whether U.S. Oil Industry Is Trying to Profit

WASHINGTON, D.C. - As gas prices reached an average of $3.00 per gallon this week, it dawned on some politicians that there may be some posturing to be done on this issue.

Arlen Specter has indicated that he favors a "windfall tax" on oil companies.  This would be a special tax based on a company having a lot of money, which is clearly wrong.  

Meanwhile, presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton of New York is proposing that making money selling gas should be a federal crime, punishable by nipple twisting.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Team Tiger

Gertrude Sez

Biden Proposes Uniting Iraq By Dividing It

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Senator Joseph Biden of Delaware, who did not receive this week's national democratic memo regarding talking points, has released an op-ed with his plan for uniting Iraq. 

Biden took time out during his press conference to demonstrate how to make a goose shadow animal.

"I propose uniting Iraq by dividing it into three sections: suppis or the sammis or whatever, another for shits, and then another for those turds.  Let them run their own section autonomously but under a central government made up of suppi-shitty-turds, apportioned trilaterally," said Biden, before returning to his bong. 

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Immigrants Day Off?

DANK HOLE, MI  -  What is all the fuss about immigrants taking a day off?  I just don't see the point.

Here in Dank Hole, we have over four businesses thriving without having to resort to hiring illegal workers from Mexico.  Hank's Fillin' Hole, which is normally closed Monday thru Thursday anyway, certainly won't be affected.  Styles by Stella, operating out of Stella Grubnipple's garage by appointment only, is not likely to feel the pinch either.  Ditto for the lemonade stand Jenny Gorple's daughter likes to run on Saturdays.  

I guess Frank's Rent-An-Illegal-Immigrant Shop might be affected.

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Madame Bovine will not tell your fortune on Monday, you pinche gringos.

Jack Johnson School of Useless Skills now offers cooking classes for authentic Chinese tacos. 

Al's Corner Gas can mix up a batch of E-85 if you really want it, but the hurricane punch will suffer.

Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  - Ask about our complimentary review of rich relatives of whom you might have repressed memories of abuse. 

For Sale:  World's Largest Collection of Ash Trays Made By First Graders.  Some even have magnets, and who the hell knows why?  

 Lurlene's Bar & Grill - home of the "Wet Pants Contest."

Found: Doohickey.  Or else it's a couple thingamabobs stuck together, I'm not really sure.  It hurts if you stick your finger in the whatsit, though.