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Gas Prices Heat Up for Spring

EVERYWHERE, U.S. - With the winter heating months coming to a close, the demand for fossil fuel has of course somehow managed to increase.  Or else the supply is weak.  Or it's the ethanol requirements.  Or that thing with the stuff. 

Prices are so high, Ponch and Jon had to trade in their Harley's for a couple horses.

Whatever the true underlying cause, (and I think someone should be investigating Tara Elizabeth Connor of Kentucky, who is the latest Miss USA.  Well, that's what I'm doing, anyway) gas prices at the pump have jumped an average of 25 cents in just a couple weeks.

I don't want to needlessly alarm anyone through scare mongering, but at that rate, a gallon of regular unleaded will cost you an average of $6.66 by August.  That's right, the devil.  

Cruise Urges Baby To Avoid "Diaper Necessity Scam"

Celebrityville, U.S. - Although Tom has been busy promoting his latest movie, Mission Impossible III, in which he plays a Hollywood star trying to maintain perspective, he makes time to play the role of father too. 

Katie, his nine year old wife who gave birth to daughter Suri recently, says Tom makes a super-duper daddy.  "He's been teaching Suri about the conspiracy of pampers, which was started by Hitler as an attempt to humiliate the Spanish during the Korean War," said Katie.  So far she's still not really using the toilet as much we'd like, since she lacks mobility, but Tom's going to get a bottle of midichlorians for her, and everything will be super duper."

Columns                                      

Christobol - The Agony of Da Feet

Gertrude Sez

Iran Names Itself Charter Member of Axis of Niceness

TEHRAN, IRAN - President and Bowling Team Captain Mahmoud Ahmadinejad congratulated himself during a press conference for his loving and peaceful leadership.  "I should buy myself flowers, for being so transparently loving," he said. 

Mahmoud, whose face got progressively weirder throughout the conference, likes to eat raw toads.

Ahmadinejad also announced expansion of Iran's "Peace Energy Program", through which he hopes to store gobs of energy in mobile nuclear containers that can be readily "exported" at a moment's notice. 

Local                               

Free Speech?

PITTSVILLE, OH  -  Can someone tell me when the U.S. of A. became commie Russia?  I've been out of school a few years, but I seem to recall a lesson or two about freedom of speech.

Apparently, that law has been overturned, because my grandson can't wear the t-shirt I bought him to school.  Administrators sent him home to change, saying the message printed on it was likely to cause a disturbance.  So now we only have free speech if we don't cause a fuss?  Stalin must be smiling in hell.

I think the whole thing is biased.  Shirley Fruitnoggle's granddaughter wears a shirt that says "Just Do It" on it, and they don't bat an eye.  But my little Joshie wears the shirt I got him, that says "My Grandma Went To Branson and All I Got Was This T-Shirt That Says I Hate Muslims, And Cats" and they send him home.

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Madame Bovine can tell you the exact odds of the Jazz winning it all this year.

Jack Johnson School of Useless Skills can teach you to speak Pig Latin in only six weeks. 

Al's Corner Gas has added a third full time masseuse.  And this one's not a felon!

Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  - Specializing in diminished capacity. 

Frank:  I could no more have caused the moon to move into Uranus's orbit than control when I'd meet my true love.  Still, I'm sorry for humping your dad at our wedding.  

 Lurlene's Bar & Grill has been voted best place to be mistaken for a celebrity at 2am six years in a row.

Lost:  Puppy.  Black or brown, little bit of white around the paws.  Last seen near the Python exhibit at the San Diego Zoo.