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Rumsfeld May Be Even Less Popular Than Bush

WASHINGTON, DC - Some would argue that no one is more disliked in democratic circles than President Bush.  After all, Howard Dean has asked that his party adopt a uniform consisting of a white t-shirt with the cartoon character "Calvin" urinating on Bush, along with "Meat is Murder" panties. 

The Rumster (as his friends call him) shows little sign that he is feeling the recent pressure.

But recently a great deal of negative attention is being focused on Donald Rumsfeld, who holds the post of Defense Secretary, as well as first alternate for the White House Square Dance Squad.  

Six retired Generals have called upon Rumsfeld to retire, while Senator Ted Kennedy from Massachusetts has invited him for a romantic drive across Chappaquittick bridge.

Taxes Are Due Pretty Soon

USA - WeeklyNewz Exclusive!  It's mid-April, and that can only mean one thing:  Spring.  Which can only mean one thing:  Warmer weather.  And taxes.  So, two things.  And death.  Because "death and taxes."  Okay, three things, or so. 

A lot of people don't realize it, but the federal government collects taxes on wages earned in the U.S.  Generally, this money is simply snuck out of a worker's paycheck before he even receives it, and instead of appearing under a line item such as "Money The Government Stole From You," it shows up as "FICA", or "NAFTA", or "SNAFU".

As if that's not bad enough, once a year the government requires you to file a report helping them figure out how much money they took from you, to see if maybe they should ask for more.  If you don't file this report, or you file it late, then the government will definitely ask for more.  

So, as a public service, I'm just letting you know that the deadline is coming up very soon.  I'm just not sure when, because I don't think the exact date has been released yet, or something.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Taxing Times

Gertrude Sez

Palestinian Terrorists Back to Their Old Ways

TEL AVIV, ISRAEL - For the bazillionth time, it seems, hope for peace between Israel and the Palestinians has been dealt another "setback."  

Maybe it's just me, but does the Palestinian Easter bunny look a tad violent to you?

This time, it was a suicide bomb at a fast-food restaurant - the sixth such attack since the most recent "cease-fire" was declared.  Anyone want to bet whether Israelis look to replace Sharon with another compromiser? 

Local                               

Are Mountain Lions Our Friends?

BOULDER, CO  -  The national spotlight shown on our fair city this weekend, as a seven year old was attacked by a mountain lion while hiking with his family (the kid was hiking, that is.  I mean, the mountain lion might have been hiking with her family too, for all I know, but I can't ask her, because I don't speak mountain lion, and anyway she's dead).

The question that naturally arises is, "Whose fault is this?  Can someone be sued?"

Clearly, it's Don Rumsfeld's fault.  And Bush's.  Do they even have a plan for victory against mountain lions?  Can't we just live in peace with the critters?

Jenny Poohicky, who sells meat hats near the trail heads at Flagstaff Mountain, says attacks are becoming more common.

"I don't know what it is," she said, fitting a four year old with a bonnet fashioned from ground beef and tripe.  "We must be encroaching on their territory or something.  People should stick to the trails, and carry books of woodland poetry that I've written, and which I believe calm the savage beasts.  They're only twelve bucks."

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