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White House In Hot Water Over Secrets

WASHINGTON, DC - One of the consistent criticisms of the Bush team for the last six years has been that they are too secretive.  They don't share information with Congress.  They don't share information with the public. 

Seems everyone has a secret to tell.

Now they're in trouble for saying too much.  Arlen Specter, Senator and dance instructor, has said that the White House needs "...to come clean," regarding the decision to declassify part of an intelligence report and leak it to the press.

Spokesmodel Scott McClellan said, "It was just a joke, man.  Jon Stewart does this kind of stuff all the time, and you people eat it up like butter on puppies."

Paris Hilton Finally to Release Album

HOLLYWOOD, CA - We know she can have sex, because she proved it on film.  Similarly, her tiny annoying dog carrying capabilities can not be questioned.  She also nibbles a hamburger more seductively than most folks.

But the question begging to be answered for the last few years of media negligence of this national treasure has been, "Can Paris Hilton sing?"

According to Paul Oakenfold, who remixed her song "Turn it Up," she can.  "She does not suck as much as a lot of people expected," was how he phrased his praise.  Adding to the kudos, producer Scott Storch gushed, "I've worked with less talented people, in terms of sheer volume of crap, so this was a real surprise."

He then vomited a little.

Columns                                      

Christobol - When Old People Ski

Gertrude Sez

Italy Gets New PM

ROME, ITALY - A few years of scandal and non-existent job growth and the fickle Italians are ready for a new leader.  They've sent their richest citizen, Silvio Berlusconi, packing and selected Romano Prodi as his replacement.

Prodi campaigned all over Rome on a platform of "A Vespa with a chick on it in every pot!"

Burlesconi, who owns all the media in Italy, was quoted as saying something in Italian, which I couldn't understand. 

Local                               

Anti-Immigration March Postponed

SAGGY HILLS, VA  -  A planned rally of tens of people concerned about rampant illegal immigration was indefinitely postponed Saturday when no one showed up.

Organizer Jeff Pinhead remained upbeat, in spite of the complete lack of interest in his planned march, ending in a protest picnic at the site where the city parks department shed used to be, when there was a parks department.

"Although we never had a park, that was a good department," said Pinhead.  "I suspect the beaners caused the loss of those jobs, what with their incredible drain on U.S. resources," he added.

Among the no-shows were Jeff's wife, Brenda, and his brother, Mike, who spent the day in Mike's van.  "We was just talking," said Mike, as he hurriedly stuffed gerbils into his pants.

"We'll try again in a couple of weeks," said Jeff.  "Unlike wetbacks, we can't just get off work any old time we feel like protesting," added the self-employed can recycler.

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Madame Bovine predicts a Paris Hilton / Kevin Federline collaboration CD in the near future.  Update your wills soon.

Jack Johnson School of Useless Skills can make you the best haiku writer in your prison block. 

Al's Corner Gas just received a new shipment of pine scented air fresheners and titty mudflaps.  Hurry in before they're gone!

Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  - if you're being victimized by the man, don't you want the lawyer who has been more frequently held in contempt by judges than any other? 

If you are on one of the two teams that won't make the NBA playoffs this year, remember that the Greenville, Kentucky Bowling League starts in two weeks.  

 Lurlene's Bar & Grill will no longer offer flabby body shots, due to excessive vomiting.

For Sale: "Wasp Farm" kit.  One penny OBO.