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Andy Card Resigns as White House Chief of Staff - Replaced by Bolten

WASHINGTON, DC - In a sign that the record low approval ratings may finally be wearing on the White House, chief of staff and bowling team first alternate Andy Card announced his resignation this week, saying he wanted to focus on his belly lint sculptures. 

Bolton has been between gigs for a while.

"We're gonna miss Andy.  He's done a heckofa job," said President Bush, fighting back a smirk.  Insiders say that a recent poll in which 70% of Americans claimed they would rather give their grandmother a foot rub than hear Bush's immigration plan was the final straw for Card.

A president hasn't seen such weak numbers since a poll revealed that 84% of Americans would not be comfortable having Bill Clinton baby-sit their daughters.

Congress Hotly Debates Immigration Bill

WASHINGTON, DC - Some want to make the 12 million illegal immigrants in the U.S. working in jobs Americans won't take and paying social security and unemployment taxes from which they'll never benefit go back to Mexico and get in line to return. 

Others propose that the bulging prison population be put to work in place of the illegal foreign workers (nicknamed 'Fruity Felons').  And there are those who want to issue guest worker cards and facilitate citizenship.  

A clear solution won't be known until it is determined how a political advantage can be achieved.

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Christobol - Customer Secrets Revealed

Gertrude Sez

Iran Tests New Missile

TEHRAN, IRAN - In a move completely unrelated to recent international pressure regarding its nuclear "energy" programs, Iran announced that it had tested a sonar evading Western pig-dog killing missile.

One potential weakness of the new missile is the fact that it's just a pudgy bearded guy.

Condoleezza Rice, in Iraq on a surprise visit to try to convince the government there to hurry up and make everything groovy, was clearly annoyed with the development.

"It almost makes you wish we weren't tied up here in Iraq," she said.  "Those Iranians could use an ass kicking.  At least we're in the neighborhood."

The White House later clarified that Rice was only kidding  

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Seniors Plan "Basic Instinct 2" Viewing Party

CRANKY ACRES, TN  -  There hasn't been this much excitement around here since it was mistakenly announced that Angela Lansbury was going to make an appearance three years ago.

It started as a small outing, with Gladys Pimpleneck and Maureen Goiterleg approaching facility assistant manager Eunice Sourlips about the possibility of getting the rest home van to take them to the movies.

This caused such a stir that soon nearly half the people who had fallen asleep in the Bingo hall were demanding to go as well, even though they had no idea what was being discussed.  

Soon erectile disfunction pills were flying and everyone was in line to go see 48 year old hotty Sharon Stone naked.

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