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Country of Nothing But Immigrant Descendants Debates What to Do With Immigrants

EVERYWHERE, U.S. - One hot button topic for Senators facing re-election is the immigration status for the estimated 11 million undocumented workers who have come to the United States from Mexico. 

Senator Frist proposes a Great Wall of America, though he hopes to keep the construction costs down by getting illegal immigrants to build it.

According to some lawmakers and radio personalities, Mexicans are pouring into the United States to take plum CEO assignments that would otherwise go to homeless white people.

President Bush backs a "guest worker" program that would pave the way to citizenship and allow for taxation of immigrant wages, followed by an immediate invasion of Mexico for possession of WMD (weapons of mass drunkenness in the form of tequila).

Mary Winkler Apologized

SELMER, TN - According to a friend, Mary Winkler, who shot her pastor husband of ten years in the back and then fled with their three children, has apologized. 

She had previously admitted to the murder, but so far no one has published any information regarding the motive.  Even though WeeklyNewz has been unable, and has in fact made no effort to get to the bottom of this story, we are pleased to scoop everyone regarding the motive.

She was pissed about something.

Columns                                      

Christobol - The Wa-yaiting Is The Hardest Part

Gertrude Sez

Afghan Christian Faces Death Penalty

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - It is not illegal to be a Christian in Afghanistan.  Christians would not be forced to ride at the back of the bus, if there were buses.  Nor would they be asked to use separate drinking fountains, if they existed.

You don't see a lot of gothic mosques, because none exist.

However, it is illegal to convert to Christianity from Islam.  If found guilty of such a crime in Afghanistan, the punishment includes a stiff fine and death.

This is what faces Abdul Rahman, who went out of his way to admit he had converted from Islam to Christianity.  International pressure not to kill Rahman may be resolved as prosecutors consider just calling Rahman insane.  

Local                               

Cancel Spring Break

GOITER FERRY, AL  -  Can we please just cancel spring break?

Here in Alaska, it stays to damned cold to enjoy the break anyway, so why not just keep the kids in school and avoid all the hassle of trying to figure out what to do with them for a week?

Now, I'm not suggesting that summer break start a week early just because we skipped spring break.  For that matter, let's cancel summer break as well.

In fact, if we could just drop the kids off when they turn five and then pick them up when they turn eighteen, that'd be great.  We could visit from time to time, or if the school put pictures up on a website it would save a trip.

I know some will complain about this plan, but I don't think we can convince schools to keep our kids until they're twenty-one.

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Madame Bovine does not believe you can contact the dead by sitting in front of a TV playing a blank VHS tape.  Instead, you should tune into a UPN show to speak to the dead.

Jack Johnson School of Useless Skills can make you a certified smoke-ring blower in only sixteen weeks. 

Al's Corner Gas now offers super-mega premium.  It's the same as regular, but we charge much more and there is never a line.

Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  originator of the "medicinal meth" argument, would like to talk to you about your pending case, unless it's your third strike. 

Tired of trying to count calories and understand trans-fats?  Pay us five times the cost of your food and we'll do it for you!  We guarantee that if you follow our plan and exercise 46 hours per week, you'll lose weight or else we won't use you in our brochures.

 Lurlene's Bar & Grill maintains that Boones Farm is a top shelf wine, especially the Kiwi variety.

Carl Smatberg, who owns a photo of a ten speed bike very similar to one once appearing in a Subway ad, will be at the Perryville strip mall to sign autographs and show off his photo every Saturday in April from 8am to 4pm, weather permitting.