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America Is Hooked on Botox

EVERYWHERE, U.S. - Whether you weren't born with it, or what you were born with hasn't aged the way you would like, plastic surgeons have an answer for you. 

Joan Rivers is one of those rare celebrities who has decided to just let nature take its course with her facial aging.

In 2005, the hottest procedure was botox injections.  There were about 3.8 million of those done.  Botox has gained popularity primarily because it's such a great idea.  What they do is take a substance derived from botulinum toxin and inject it into your face, preventing nerve impulses from reaching certain muscles so that they'll relax.  It also causes some swelling, so you can get fat lips or stretch out some wrinkles.

Of course, the original plastic surgery solution for fat lips involved recycling the fat cells liposucked out of other patients' ample asses, but for some reason this procedure never gained much popularity outside of L.A.

Now Even The Teachers Are Cheating

MIAMI, FL - Is it time for a "No Teacher Left Behind" program?  Thirty-two teachers in Miami-Dade County are looking for work after it was revealed they simply bought continuing education credits required for their positions rather than actually taking any classes. 

We've seen the statistics that reveal that roughly 400% of all students routinely cheat on assignments as simple as remembering to wear pants, with the result that many of them are never learning even rudimentary skills such as percentile usage.

We could just blame the crappy, cheating teachers, or the students themselves, and maybe their parents.  But I think we should also blame the Norwegians.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Kiss Me, I'm Irish

Gertrude Sez

What Makes War War, And When Is It Civil?

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - That was the question on many people's minds as the third anniversary of the U.S. invasion of Iraq rolled around.

Does this look anything like what's going on in Iraq?

We know there is sectarian violence, and plenty of it.  But when does two groups of people who live in the same country killing one another become an official civil war?  Don't they have to march in fields and fire muskets at one another while women and children picnic on a nearby hillside?

If they are having a civil war, I think it's quite rude, and they should cut it out.  If they could just play nice for six to twelve months, we could call our job done and leave, then they could have all the civil wars they want.  

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Stephen King Owes Me One Bazillion Dollars

FLANNEL DUCK, AR  -  There's been a lot of publicity lately concerning the copyright infringement case against Dan Brown, author of the best seller The Da Vinci Code and the lesser known Carl The Cat Eats Lettuce.

At issue is whether Brown, in copying the entire "Da Vinci" story from an earlier work by Michael Baigent, Richard Leigh, and Henry Lincoln, broke some sort of obscure rule.  No one is claiming that Brown failed to change a few of the details, so it appears that there's more to this whole idea of copyrighting than anyone could ever have imagined, even if they were good at imagining and you gave them all afternoon.

I for one am watching this story closely, as it just to happens that I once wrote a chilling tale about a salad shooter that became possessed and terrorized an apartment.

I probably needn't point out that this idea was stolen from me by famous author and mega rich dude, Stephen King.  Change the salad shooter to a car, and you've got Christine.  Make the apartment a spooky old hotel, and now it's The Shining.

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Madame Bovine has correctly predicted the NIT winner every year for 17 straight seasons, and yet nobody cares.

Jack Johnson School of Useless Skills now sells CDs so that you can learn to master DOS in the comfort of your own home. 

Al's Corner Gas now has pilates classes, free with an 8 gallon fill up and a deluxe car wash.

Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  says no one should rush into declaring bankruptcy without carefully exploring the option of faking their own death.  We can show you how. 

Sarah Zitmoose of Spittleberg, OH thought she would never have the firm, beautiful body she's always dreamed of.  She was right, but that's no reason for you to decide against giving FatChance 2000 a try.

 Lurlene's Bar & Grill apologizes that Friday's all you can eat fish fry included rather a lot of possum, which is apparently not technically a fish.

For Sale:  Yellow highlighter used by Blythe Brown to mark passages of The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail she felt Dan should modify before using.  Hardly used!  $1.28 OBO.