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Former Bush Domestic Policy Adviser Begins Job As Petty Thief

MONTGOMERY COUNTY, MA - Having resigned in February from his post as a White House aide, Claude Allen took the path of many political advisers before him, applying his unique skills to retail theft. 

Some say Allen succumbed to the immense pressure that every man feels to somehow become MC Hammer.

It is not known why the man Bush described as "a good and compassionate man, [who] has my deep respect and my gratitude," resigned.  Some say he came under pressure for his budget balancing ideas, which included having the Pentagon buy tanks, jets, and nuclear weapons, stash them in their car, and then take their receipts back into the military stores to ask for a refund, after grabbing the exact same items off the shelves.

Bush had nominated Allen to be a federal appeals court judge in 2003, but he failed to receive Senate confirmation when he mugged Kennedy and Specter in the coat room on the day of his hearings.

Crude Oil Price Down, But Pump Prices Up

GAS STATIONS, US - Prices at the pump have gone up an average of 11 cents a gallon over the last two weeks, even though crude oil prices are down.

Economists say that a combination of new federal regulations and seasonal demand have impacted retail pricing in a non-intuitive fashion.

That, or the oil companies are just boosting profits.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Bracket Time

Gertrude Sez

Milosevic Is Dead, Long Die Milosevic

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS - Slobodan "Rat Bastard" Milosevic, the former Yugoslav president and mass murderer on trial for the last hundred years or so at the Hague for crimes against humanity, and some parking infractions, was found dead in his cell.

Raise your hand if you're a mass murdering shithead.

The case is not being considered a suicide, but rather one of improper medication.  It seems Slobodan may have mistaken the yellow cyanide pills for his green heart pills.  No one is quite sure what the yellow pills were even for. 

Local                               

'March Madness' An Insult to Crazy People

HORSE SACK, IL  -  It's that time of year once again.  The league tournaments have wrapped up, and the field of 65 that will compete for college basketball's ultimate prize has been set.

For reasons that escape any thoughtful individual, this process is widely referred to as "March Madness."  I guess crazy people don't have enough representation in the PC police.

Do you suppose it would be okay if it was called "March Bunch of Fat People"?  How about "March Jewishness"?  Anyone think that "March Gay Cowboys" would gain mainstream acceptance?

Why we use a national basketball tournament to poke fun at drooling people is beyond me.

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Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  is considering suing Dan Brown for stealing book ideas.  If you have any book ideas, please contact Garreth as soon as possible.. 

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 Lurlene's Bar & Grill has cancelled Wednesday's parking lot crash 'em up derby due to pending legality questions.

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