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"Crash" the Upset Winner in Hollywood's Longest Night

LOS ANGELES, CA - In spite of strong competition, led by heavily favored "Brokeback Mountain", the gritty story of many levels of racism walked away with Best Picture honors. 

Rumors that the original casting concept for this film had Adam West playing all the roles could not be confirmed.

Shut out not only from receiving any honor, but even receiving the honor of being nominated, was "Dave Barry's Blog Movie", in which a pre-op transsexual black Jewish man struggles with his forbidden love of a dead gay nazi, who is white. It interferes with his work - he's a writer who adapts true stories of mass murder for Saturday morning cartoons, and causes no small amount of stress in his relationship with his estranged semi-retarded wedding crashing weatherman father, who is trying to expose Senator McCarthy as a booger eating moron. Ultimately, he teams up with Johnny Cash's ghost to free eleven captured Olympians, only they're too late, so they go to White Castle.

Organizers hid behind the lame rule that a movie has to be made to qualify for an award.

Dems Ignore Thin Ice, Continue Flogging Ports Deal

WASHINGTON, DC - Ignoring the tendency of information diffusing the initial controversy over foreign companies managing ports, the DNC continued its risky strategy of criticizing the deal. 

Francine Busby of San Diego reassured voters that this is not an issue of racism, "We just hate middle easterners!"

Columns                                      

Christobol - And The Winner Is...

Gertrude Sez

Parliament Convenes in Iraq

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - President Jalal Talabani has called for parliament to assemble, though continuing violence and political infighting is certain to limit its decisions.

Self important windbags differ on the best strategy in Iraq, but all agree that more shortpants and powdered wigs could only help.

There has been a great deal of tension over the naming of a prime minister, with Shiites, Sunni, and Kurds all wishing to see that position fall to one of their own, while the U.S. is quietly hoping Hillary Clinton will get the nod.

Everyone agrees that it would be easier to reach an accord if they weren't so busy worrying about being blown up.  

Local                               

Why Can't The Academy Call It A Tie?

PHLEGM BUCKET, CA  -  As I lay on my couch watching pretty women I couldn't name strut down the red carpet wearing dresses that cost more than my house, I couldn't help but succumb to a moment of overwhelming melancholy.

No, I wasn't wallowing in self pity over the fact that I had to sell my children's kidneys to fund my tobacco habit.  What brought me to the verge of genuine emotion was the realization that some of these people, so full of hope and joy now, were going to leave this ceremony empty handed.

What sort of country can this be, I wondered, when the famous and beautiful can find themselves unrewarded for their efforts?  Oh sure, they got money, but everyone likes a gold statue.

So what's wrong with calling it a tie in the major categories?  Sure, it would sap drama from the ceremony, and add several hours of speeches, but that would be okay, right?

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Madame Bovine was shocked that "Dukes of Hazzard" didn't win Best Pic.

Jack Johnson School of Useless Skills now offers a twelve part video series that can show you how to achieve the "Farrah look".  

Al's Corner Gas now has tanning beds, a tax filing service, and a day care.  We also accept senior citizens on Wednesdays.

Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  is starting a class action against Blackberry and Microsoft for "stuff". 

New break thru diet allows people to eat as much as they want, provided they don't mind getting all jiggly.

 Lurlene's Bar & Grill can no longer offer 3 for 1 shots on top shelf liquors for designated drivers.

For Sale:  Prom Dress.  Never worn, other than during brief moments of false hope.  Might smell of bitterness and heartbreak.  Also has a thousand island dressing stain.  $48 OBO.