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Bush:  Al Q'aeda Guarding America's Ports "Nothing to Worry About"

WASHINGTON, DC - Responding to fairly bipartisan concerns that handing over U.S. port guarding responsibilities to Al Q'aeda might be inviting trouble, Bush assured citizens that there is "...nothing to worry about." 

President Bush demonstrates a "really elaborate" secret handshake that the terrorists promise will keep even themselves out.

"I appreciate people's concerns," said Bush.  "It's good people having concerns that helps America.  But we've double checked this, and it's a good deal for America, and we wouldn't do it if we were concerned, so you can stop showing all that concern, which I appreciate."

The President then invited questions, but walked away while they were being asked.  Spokesmodel McClellan then offered to entertain questions about Vice President Dick Cheney, who he claimed has shot no one  in over a week, "But you won't hear about that in the liberal press!"

Dorm Powder Not Ricin After All

AUSTIN, TX - It was quite a scare for a couple days at University of Texas.  Some students doing laundry discovered some white powder in a roll of quarters, and at first it was believed the substance could be ricin, the deadly weapon of mass destruction known to cause Britney Spears.

Nearly 400 students were relocated to another dorm while testing was done to identify the mysterious powder.  Ultimately, it was determined it was simple household crack, which students claim really works on even the toughest stains.

Columns                                      

Christobol - And They Call It Puppy Love

Gertrude Sez

Curfew Fails to End Iraq's Sectarian Violence

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - The clashes between Sunni and Shiite terrorists continued throughout Iraq, despite multiple calls for folks to "just simmer down."

Not to tell the police how to do their job or anything, but has anyone questioned those Alabama arsonists about the Golden Mosque?

A curfew was instituted to try to stem the tide of violence, but wave after wave has crashed upon the sandy shore of unrest in Iraq, leaving only partial shells no one would want to collect, or something.

Officials are said to be considering an earlier bed time for citizens, along with possible suspension of television privileges if the killing doesn't stop very soon.

Local                               

End of Cold War Has Ruined the Olympics

DINKERS REGRET, ID  -  Quick, how many medals did the U.S. win in this year's winter games?  How many did Russia get?

If you don't know, don't worry.  Only about eight people in the world know, and chances are they are paid to know.

Let's face it:  If you don't actively hate some of the countries participating because you fear they might blow you off the planet, there's no real reason to watch which person wins an event you've never understood.

They should have put an Al Q'aeda hockey team in there, or at least some ice dancers.

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Madame Bovine wonders whether Bode Miller straddles the toilet every morning.

Jack Johnson School of Useless Skills can teach you how to draw a perfect circle in just eight weeks.  

Al's Corner Gas is not responsible for change lost in the hooker vending machine, and will not give refunds under ANY circumstances.

Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  can draw up a living will forcing your loved ones to sing sitcom theme songs to you if you ever become a vegetable. 

New study shows that most people don't pay much attention to studies.

 Lurlene's Bar & Grill, home of the Amateur Karaoke Wet T-Shirt contest every Thursday, remains sorry about all the accidental deaths.

For Sale:  Autographed t-shirt from Krokus concert in Corpus Christi sometime around 1984.  I think the signature says "Frmghp!"  $4 OBO.