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Time is Running Out for That Alabama Church Tour You've Been Planning

ALABAMA - It can be difficult to get your kids up for church on Sunday.  After all, they get up for school five days a week, and look on the weekend as a time when they can get up just as early, but rather than getting dressed to go out, they prefer to focus on getting into the Guinness Book of World Records for messiest house. 

"If these people are coming to your church, please call the cops."

But if you live in Alabama, chances are you don't have this problem.  Your church may be one of the dozen or so that has been recently burned to the ground for reasons unknown by person or persons unknown.

It's a pretty good bet that your kids are begging you to take them to the ashy remains, though they may not really want to pray.  

Leaping Carp May Take Over Great Lakes, Then World

CHICAGO, IL - It may not sound as scary as an army of undead bigfoots (bigfeet?) toting automatic weapons loaded with armor piercing bullets, but that's only because it's not.

Still, scientists worry that the Asian Leaping Carp, which has come to dominate the Mississippi and its tributaries since escaping fish farms in the southern U.S. (perhaps with the help of armed bigfoots), will soon invade the Great Lakes.

"Think of the worst possible thing," says Phil Moy of the University of Wisconsin, "then think of Asian Leaping Carp in the Great Lakes."

Columns                                      

Christobol - Term Limits? Think Again

Gertrude Sez

Mexico Snaps U.S. Monopoly on Mine Disasters

SAN JUAN DE SABINAS, MEXICO - Perhaps chafing over all the attention being paid to unsafe mining operations in West Virginia, Mexico hosted its own mining disaster, with potentially 65 people perishing.

Granted, mines are usually much larger than this, but it's still plenty dangerous.

Sergio Robles, head of Coahuila's civil protection agency, said "Mexico's mines are far more dangerous than the luxury tunnels found in America.  Ours are filled with sharks and rabid eagles, plus there is no coal to be found whatsoever, so the whole operation is simply about danger."

While some would argue it is a gross misapplication of national pride that would lead people underground just for the danger of it all, Robles responds to such criticism by saying that "It's just the sort of thing a bunch of wimpy chickens would say."

Local                               

Ever Wish You Could Run Your Family Like a Business?

GROIN LUMP, WI  -  If you ever read the financial section of your newspaper, perhaps looking for the comics, you might notice lots of companies seem to just lose money.  Take almost every major airline, for example.

Sirius Satellite radio is deep in the red as well, spending over $200 to acquire customers on whom they collect about $125.   

Wouldn't it be fun, maybe just for a quarter, to post a $250 million dollar family budget shortfall, and then announce a plan to do better sometime next year?

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Madame Bovine has correctly predicted sixteen out of the last twenty sunrises within two hours.

Jack Johnson School of Useless Skills money management classes for trombone players.  

Al's Corner Gas will now lend you gas based on your expected tax return.

Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  now seeking any person with a reason, real or imagined, to sue the winner of the $365 million powerball lotto. 

7 of 10 dentists agree, brushing your teeth with milk duds instead of toothpaste is pretty stupid.

 Lurlene's Bar & Grill will not hold the World Marbles Championship this Friday and Saturday, due to massive lack of interest.

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