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Dick Cheney Shoots Fellow Hunter, WMDs Not Involved

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX - Not everyone gets to go hunting with the Vice President of the United States.  For one thing, not everyone even wants to, which might be wise, but for another, there are precious few prey one can hunt while everyone tags along (Paris Hilton notwithstanding). 

"I'm a regular guy," says Cheney, "just like anyone else, really.  But if you cross me, well, I'll shoot your ass so fast you'll think I'm the Rifleman."

Details of the "accident" are not entirely clear, but the spokesman for the vice president say that Cheney and Harry Whittington were out hunting when Whittington jumped in front of Cheney's gun while wearing a clever quail costume.

It was only after Whittington had been shot and Cheney woke up in a bar in Nuevo Laredo with no pants that the story began to emerge.

Winn-Dixie Not Returning From Bankruptcy Too Soon

NEW YORK, NY - The grocer Winn-Dixie has been operating in bankruptcy since February 2005, having filed only a few months after making Peter Lynch the CEO.

Now they're giving him a $1.15 million retention bonus.

You might think that a company in bankruptcy can't possibly have an extra $1.15 million to give to its CEO.  That's because you're a "small thinker" who probably "works" every day at a "job" and then "pays" your bills.

Good luck with all of that.

Columns                                      

Christobol - My Cold, Dead Fingers

Gertrude Sez

Ibrahim al-Jaafari "Wins" Another Term As Iraqi PM

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - In spite of efforts designed to avoid this outcome, including the faking of his own abduction by nymphomaniacal scientologists, Ibrahim al-Jaafari will once again serve as Iraqi Prime Minister.

Ibby (as his friends call him) hoped his "bad Santa" routine would frighten off Shiite voters.  No such luck.

And so Jaafari will be back to deal with terrorism, a crappy economy, and chewing gum that loses its flavor before it even leaves the wrapper.

On the bright side, Iran seems to be doing everything in its power to become an even bigger mess.

Local                               

Grammys Went Old School

LOS ANGELES, CA  -  Five.  That's how many Grammys U2 took home.  It also happens to be the number for which they were nominated.

Even though Mariah Carey (okay, well, she's not all that young) has been wearing dresses slit all the way up to her armpits, and Kanye West just doesn't even bother wearing clothes, the old men from Ireland took all the glory.  A lot of the glory.  Okay, five glory.

And of course it was the Rolling Stones, who first recorded on the Mayflower, who performed at halftime of the Super Bowl.  So yeah, the "old" folks opened a whole can of whoop-ass on the youngsters this February. 

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Madame Bovine can predict your next bowel movement within six to ten days.  Less if you agree to drink some Lone Star.

Jack Johnson School of Useless Skills now offers red carpet posing classes for dumpy farmers.  

Earl's Pawn Shop can no longer accept children as late payments.

Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  Did you know you might save hundreds of thousands of dollars in taxes by incorporating?  You might!  One thing is certain, I'll get $150. 

Study reveals the secret to lasting happiness.  And now we've put it in a pill!  Why search for true love and a job that doesn't require you to take your clothes off when we've made this pill?

 Do you own a gerbil or hamster that has been misbehaving or that you're just tired of?  Why not feed it to our snake?  Call Frank at Frank's Small Pet Disposal and Wild Kingdom Extravaganza.

For Sale:  Mood rings that actually tell you the nation's terror alert status.  Now you can always know just how freaked out you're supposed to be by looking at your hand!  You do remember the terror alert system, right?