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Sam Alito Joins the Highest Court

WASHINGTON, DC - After a half-hearted attempt at filibuster spearheaded by Democrats with plans to run for the presidency, Sam Alito was predictably confirmed as a Supreme Court Justice in a ceremony John Kerry called "the end of the frikken world." 

Alito shocked some by insisting on wearing retiring Justice O'Connor's robes for his swearing-in ceremony.

It didn't take long for Alito to make his presence felt on the high court.  The first case he heard concerned Missouri's desire to immediately execute Mr. Michael Taylor, who had been convicted of raping and killing a fifteen year old girl.  

Alito voted against lifting a stay of execution, perhaps providing the first glimpse of insight into what his judicial practices will be.  He did not site precedence in his decision, but rather flipped a coin while softly singing "I feel pretty, oh so pretty!"  He then performed a clumsy somersault and retired to chambers.

Pittsburgh Crowned NFL Champs

DETROIT, MI - The interminable wait for a new set of NFL heroes is finally over.  After two weeks of trying to find something to talk about besides how many buckets of chicken Jerome Bettis was likely to eat at halftime, the Pittsburgh Steelers defeated the Seattle Seahawks in a pretty underwhelming football game.

Each team committed brutal turnovers, and neither ever really appeared to dominate the game, but the rules state that someone has to win and that the team with the most points at the end of the game should almost always be that someone.

Mick Jagger was named MVP for having danced his way through three halftime songs even though his band mates had played a practical joke on him, giving him a child's shirt to wear.

Columns                                      

Christobol -What, A Super Bowl?

Gertrude Sez

Cartoon Riots Continue in Asia, Middle East

TEHRAN, IRAN - Pausing to change their signs from nuclear energy protests to political cartoon protests, a mob of unhappy Iranians tossed firebombs at Austria's embassy.  At issue was absurdly insensitive Danish cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammed with a bomb.

This map clearly shows that Denmark is not in Sweden or Germany, as many believe.

In Lebanon and Syria, Danish embassies were set on fire as angry Muslims protested the depiction of their religious leader as violent.

Actually, they would protest the depiction of Mohammed at all, since this is prohibited by their religion, a fact certainly known to the Danish publishers of the cartoons in question.  Most believe this is simply a cry for attention on the part of Denmark, which has been largely ignored since the Vikings relocated to Minnesota.

Local                               

Johnson's Try to Serve Spinach Dip

PITTSBURGH, PA  -  What should have been a perfect evening of sports was nearly ruined when Jeff and Melinda Johnson tried to serve guests of their Super Bowl watching party spinach dip.

For crying out loud, this is a football game.  No, not a football game, it's the football game.  Luckily, we were able to tie them up and put them in the trunk of their car while the Olsen brothers ran out for brats and chips.  I swear, if they didn't have such a nice TV, we'd have probably left. 

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