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Not Everyone Was Upset by High Oil Prices in 2005

IRVING, TX - Exxon Mobil Corp. announced a quarterly profit of $10 billion, bringing it's profit for the year to over $36 billion.  That's over $68,000 per second for the year.  

A new corporate logo has been revealed, along with plans to purchase the moon for company picnics.

So if Exxon-Mobil was walking down the street and came upon a bag containing $130,000 - it would not make fiscal sense to pause long enough to pick the bag up.

CEO Rex Tillerson, speaking from a special room constructed entirely of diamonds and starving children's hearts, said, "It's not the money.  It's the stuff I can buy with the money."

He did announce plans to give generously to the Salvation Army, saying, "I no longer have room for a lot of my stuff, what with all the new stuff I bought.  Plus I need the tax break."

Super Bowl's Best Kept Secret

DETROIT, MI - Not a lot of people know this, thanks to inexplicable media inattention, so you can look like the insider at your next water-cooler discussion.  Apparently, one of the players on the roster of the Pittsburgh Steelers, who have been selected via the post-season AFC tournament in the NFL to go to the Super Bowl on February 5th, is one Jerome Bettis, who actually calls Detroit his home town.

So, it's a kind of homecoming for him.  But there's more to the story than just a guy getting to play the Super Bowl in his home town.  Jerome, it would seem, has never previously played in a Super Bowl, even though he has been in the league for almost 90 years.  In fact, some believe, due to his age and the fact that he weighs more than the sun, that this will be his last season as a player.

Can you imagine?  I fully expect the Seattle Seahawks to refuse to tackle "The Bus" - as he is called by people who call him that - so that they can play even a small role in this heartwarming story.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Is Somebody Watching This?

Gertrude Sez

See, The Problem With Democracy Is...

LONDON, ENGLAND - In an attempt to address the turd in democracy's punch bowl, U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice announced that the U.S. would pull Palestinian financial assistance, and urged other nations to do the same.

What is it about bombs and masks that makes Condi so nervous?

At issue is the recent Palestinian elections, where voters chose the militant group on record as saying Israel should be destroyed as their new party of power.

It's like leading a horse to water, only to watch it vote for Hamas.

Local                               

'Baby Jessica' Grows Up, Ties The Knot

MIDLAND, TX  -  You probably remember her for getting herself stuck in an abandoned well and starring in a 58 hour rescue that ended up televised around the world.

But there's more to Jessica McClure than just clumsiness around holes in the ground and inattentive parents.  For example, the 19 year old has now gotten married to Daniel Morales.

"I just want to move on with my life and leave that chapter behind," said Jessica, as she prepared to take an elevator down an abandoned mineshaft where the couple held their ceremony.

"Certainly that was a huge event in my life," she continued, "but there comes a time to make a clean break with the past and just look forward."

Her bridesmaids dressed as rescue workers while family members were asked to wait topside and cry a lot.

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Madame Bovine advises you not to stick your arm down the disposal to retrieve that grape you dropped.  She just has a bad feeling about it.

Jack Johnson School of Useless Skills has certified hamster repair persons standing by for all your broken hamster needs.  

The Billiards Tournament of Champions at Amy's Sports Bra has been replaced by a Ping Pong competition, since apparently that's what those tables were designed for.

Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  Let's sue Microsoft for your high cholesterol!  Act now and you can pay 50% of my fee up front, and the other 75% upon case conclusion, probably in less than a week! 

Sarah - I am SO SO sorry that I set you on fire.  I am totally getting rid of that hair dryer, and will be more than happy to do your hair for free, if and when it ever grows back.

 Single Mixed Breed Dog Seeks Stuff to Hump, Living Creatures a Plus.

For Sale:  Diamond Stud Earring.  Worn for only two weeks in a botched navel piercing, then for about three days in a tongue piercing.  Please, get this damned thing away from me, I'm begging you.