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West Virginia Governor Boldly Decides Mines Should Be Safer

CHARLESTON, WV - After two more men died in the second mining disaster in less than a month in West Virginia, Governor Joe Manchin announced legislation aimed at making coal mines safer, "...or at least a bit less deadly."

You're sure my hair's not too shiny?  I don't want to look stupid.

Many have criticized Governor Manchin and anyone else with authority in West Virginia, when scrutiny of mining regulations revealed that, provided no miners were actively being ravaged by sleestaks, mines were considered safe.

Announcing the legislation, Manchin said he "...dream[s] of a day when mining coal can be at least as safe as an overnighter at Neverland Ranch.  Not that I'm asking miners to do that, or anything, it's just that, well...safer.  Okay?"

Kobe Drops 81 on the Raptors

LOS ANGELES, CA - Out to prove he's more than just an accused rapist named after a steak (after all, there are several NBA players for whom that can be said), Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers tallied the second highest point total in NBA history, pouring in 81 against the Toronto Raptors.

This comes after he outscored the entire Dallas Mavericks team through three quarters, 62-61, last month, before sitting out the meaningless fourth.  He and coach Phil Jackson were criticized for not "going for history" in that game.

This time around, some Raptors players were unhappy when Kobe started throwing in blindfolded hook shots from mid-court and throwing buckets of confetti on them, a-la Meadowlark Lemon of the Harlem Globetrotters.  

Columns                                      

Christobol - Can We Talk Some BS?

Gertrude Sez

Some in Congo Still Haven't Received Memo That War is Over

GOMA, CONGO - The latest casualties in a war declared over in 2003 include eight Guatemalan soldiers deployed as U.N. Peacekeepers.  They died fighting Ugandan rebels fighting as part of the LRA - "Lord's Resistance Army."

Hey, how about a "Simple Life" where they send Paris Hilton to Congo?

Lacking much in the way of natural resources that would attract more international concern for human rights, but well supplied with mass-murdering guerilla fighters who defy any sort of solution that would not be costly and bloody, Congo keeps rolling snake-eyes.

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Why Doesn't Ford Just Build Really Cool Cars And Sell Them for, Like $6K?

PONTIAC, MI  -  So now Ford Motor Company is announcing more plant closures and cuts of 30,000 jobs?

The huge automaker is claiming that its problem is too much North American capacity.  It's not capacity that has them losing ground to Toyota, it's stupid cars that cost too much.

If they would just make the 1957 T-Bird again, and sell it for $6K, they'd never be able to make enough of them.  Their capacity problem would be a shortage!  Then they could open more plants, and employ more people, and pretty soon there'd be no more homelessness or world hunger or Keanu Reeves movies.

It's so simple!  While I'm at it, GM should do the same thing.  So should Toyota and Honda, for that matter.

I don't really care what Kia decides to do.

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Madame Bovine is picking the Steelers over the Pistons in the World Series.  Call your bookie.  It's money.

Jack Johnson School of Useless Skills cannot accept coupons from Taco Bell.  Come on, people.  

Al's Amateur Sports Bar will be showing girls pee-wee soccer playoffs on the big screen all weekend.  Mention this ad and get a free refill on any 64 oz tequila.  (Must run through agility maze first).

Garreth Keenturd, Esq.  Let me assign a dollar value to your pain and suffering, and I'll throw in a recently published yellow pages book for free.  (While supplies last, offer may not pertain to your geographical area, taxes, shipping, and handling extra, void where cops present). 

Glenn:  For the life of me I swear I thought that was a toupee.  Please forgive me, I don't know why I wouldn't quit trying to pull it off.  I hope you stop bleeding soon.

 Mark:   You wouldn't know love if it punched you in the face really, really hard.  Which I fully intend to continue doing.  Even though I don't love you.

For Sale:  Bic Lighter.  Needs fluid and a new striker wheel.  Also, there's a hole in the plastic thingy.  $86 OBO (It has sentimental value).  Will consider trade for a squirrel paw.