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Dean Blames Bush for Sago Mine Disaster, Offers Democratic Alternative

WASHINGTON, DC - As the unfortunate victims of the Sago, West Virginia mining disaster were laid to rest this week, DNC Chairman and top kazoo player Howard Dean launched an attack on the Bush Administration's handling of America's mines.

Dean unveiled his new "powerbrows" at a speech this week.

"While these poor guys were trapped underground, where they were toiling in order to find energy to power fatcat republican SUVs, President Bush was conducting illegal wiretaps on American citizen's grandmothers in order to force them to work as yucky old lady prostitutes," asserted Dean.

"It's true!" he continued.  "But when we retake the White House in 2008, we'll convert all of America's mines to pretty pretty flower growing operations, and your grandmothers can quit wearing so much rouge to work!"

Texas Shocks USC for National Title

PASADENA, CA - For once, the game lived up to the hype.  In the single most exciting BCS championship game in the history of humanity, Texas outlasted favorite and so-called best ever college team USC.

Longhorn quarterback Vince Young turned in a performance for the ages, rushing for around 200 yards, passing for over 200, and single handedly thwarting a terrorist plot that would have sent the street price of orange marmalade through the roof.

Now he has decided to go pro, but promises to continue to protect the world from any supervillians who might show up during the offseason.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Preparing to Get Stung

Gertrude Sez

World Has A Bad Week

EVERYWHERE, EARTH - It just wasn't a very good week on mother earth.  Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon remains in a medically induced coma following multiple surgeries for the strokes he suffered, and which Iran claims he faked.

Everywhere heated up in a not so good way.

Speaking of Iran, they're still doing naughty things with their nuclear program.  Neighboring Iraq continues to boast the largest number of suicide bombers in the world, which is probably pissing off some Palestinians.  And Turkey is reporting more human bird flu cases, fueling pandemic concerns.

Elsewhere, the fewest number of puppies have found a home since June, 1914, and the Congo continues to be hell on earth.

On the bright side, I found a quarter in my couch.

Local                               

Refs Totally Job Cougars At Peeville

HACKSBERRY, KY  -  You do your best to teach your kids sportsmanship as they grow up.  You tell them that the important thing is how they play, not who wins.  And you tell them that refs don't cheat.

Well guess what?  It does matter who wins.  That's why they keep score.  And refs do cheat.  At least the ones in Peeville.

Gosh!  Anyone who saw the Cougars fall to the Fighting Slugs on Friday night doesn't need me to tell them that refs cheat.  Jeff Porkshorts got fouled every time he touched the ball and it never was called!

Do you think Marty Pimplewart could possibly miss 19 three-pointers in a row if they weren't hacking him?  Please.

That bald ref - the one who threw me out for making up a song about his momma - I'm pretty sure he fathered two of the kids on the Fighting Slugs with his own sister.  How can that be fair?

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