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US Senate Releases "Year In Review: 1974"

WASHINGTON, DC - Amid a great deal of hoopla, pomp, geriatric gyrations, and circumstance, Senate officials announced publication of the long overdue Year in Review: 1974.

The measure featured excellent bipartisan support from the bigheads and the littleheads.

The brainchild of Senator Ghenghis Nutsby of California, who has since succumbed to chronic irritable bowel syndrome, it languished in subcommittee for twenty years before being re-sponsored by Senator John Edwards, because,  as he put it, "I'm basically completely irrelevant."

The document has come under some criticism, especially regarding events that were porkbarrelled in that did not even occur in the 70s, notably the discovery of electricity and man's first visit to Uranus.

Clark and Philbin Ring in New Year from Jail

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Times Square was once again crowded with revelers to ring in a new year, just like every year since the tradition started in 1106.  What was different this year was that everyone there was in some way involved with a television network broadcasting the event.  

At least eight major players set up shop this year, and amazingly, none managed to celebrate the stroke of midnight at the same time, or at the right time.  Furthest off was PBS, which made the call at 9:43pm.  Spokespersons indicated it was an intentional move since most of its viewers are asleep by ten.

The highlight of the evening had to be when Regis Philbin of Fox and Dick Clark of ABC got into a really pathetic old guy fight over prime camera positioning, complete with lots of heavy breathing and uncontrolled flatulence, and ending with arrests.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Out of State Blues

Gertrude Sez

Hwang Woo Suk(s)

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA - A panel of scientists at Seoul University recently completed a review of the stem cell research conducted by national superstar Hwang Woo Suk and concluded that it was super number one excellent lucky good, except it was all faked.

Can this man really clone anything?

Many now question Suk's prior breakthrough claims of having successfully cloned a human embryo and a dog, and there are almost none who believe he can make the sun disappear simply by squinting really hard.

Suk could not be reached for comment (well, okay, he could, but I totally don't speak Korean), but those near to him say he is feverishly working on another scientific paper he hopes will silence criticism, the working title for which is, Sheesh, Can't Anyone Take a Joke Anymore?

Local                               

Gyms Gear Up for Post Holiday Fatties

JASPERS SCORN, OK  -  It's the most wonderful time of the year, if you're in the fitness business.

Every January, folks take a look at their waistline and vow that this is the year they regain control of it, which means exercise clubs ring in the New Year with their cash registers.

"It's definitely the best time to sell memberships," said an enthused Carl Thighmaster of Oklahoma Weekend Warriors, Inc.  He admits to having legally changed his name since, as he put it, "Not many people will pay to  belong to a gym run by Carl Fatty Fat Fat Fatty Bo Batty Fatso."

"The best thing," he continued, "is that most people won't show up after January 15th or so.  Then I get to keep their money, and I don't have to wipe their stinky sweat off the exercise bikes, which we rarely do anyway."

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