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Bush Explains That He Is, In Fact, Santa Claus

WASHINGTON, DC - Criticism of the White House policy allowing spying within the United States without a warrant continued this week, with some Democrats calling for a formal noogy session for President Bush.

I see ya when yer sleepin'.  I know when yer awake.  You know, that kind of stuff.

The policy, which officials indicate has prevented a minimum of fourteen hundred terrorist attacks a day in the last three years, has led some to worry that Bush is setting up a "Big Brother" state.

"That's absurd," replied Bush, when confronted with such assertions.  "How many big brothers can wire tap their siblings?  Unless your big brother is me, I don't see how that comparison makes any sense.  It's just Democrat flibberty jibber."

Santa Gets DUI, Blames Rum cake

SANTA MONICA, CA - If you didn't get everything on your list this Christmas, it may be because Santa was delayed while posting bail.  CHP officer Eric "Ponch" Estrada pulled St. Nicholas over for a blinking headlight at about 2am Christmas day.

Although Santa was able to pass the field sobriety test, Estrada claimed he was under the influence of magic powder and reeked of rum.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Christmas Travel

Gertrude Sez

Saddam Claims Jailers Ruined His Christmas

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - Captured rat bastard dictator Saddam Hussein showed up in court complaining that his Christmas sucked.

Had Himself A Crappy Little Christmas.

"I do not believe in your Western pigdog holidays, but dammit, I wanted an X-Box 360 and some porn."

Defense attorneys made a motion that Hussein be released and given a small country to dominate.  

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Wondering How To Dump That Crummy Home Made Gift?

WEST BUTT, PA  -  December 26th has long been a busy day for retailers, as disgruntled recipients of lime green polyester toasters line up to trade up to Chia beard kits.

But what are you supposed to do when you get a really bad gift that wasn't purchased from a store?  Sure, you can try to go return a clay ashtray at your local discount superstore, but half the time it doesn't work.

What you need to do is have a yard sale.  Granted, you'll probably need to wait until Spring if you live up north, but at least you can ultimately get some pocket change.

Alternately, you can try to return the gift to its maker for a few bucks, but this often goes poorly.

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Madame Bovine could have told you that your wife had sold her eyes to get you those earmuffs, and then maybe you wouldn't have sold your ears to get her those glasses.

Found: The hat that matches the purple velvet smoking jacket I gave you for Christmas.  You'll want to hustle on down to Goodwill if you're interested.  

You can be a millionaire in five easy steps.  It all involves real estate, the internet, and scantily clad goats.  Well, okay, it's nine steps if you want to housebreak the goats.

The Law Offices of Lucifer Mephistopheles will be closed for the week of January 1, because we need to take a dump. 

Sue:  You were right.  I really missed you on Christmas Day.  Maybe we really were made for each other.  I still have that room for New Year's Eve if you want to find out.

 Gladys, that sweater I gave you for Christmas is a rental.  Please make sure you make the payments on time.  I covered December for you.

Amy - I totally understand.  I'll try to stop licking you good-bye.  Did you get the package from Naughty Nancy's Nightwear I sent you?  Your friend, Jeff.