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Bush Admits to Authorizing Spying on US Citizens, But Only Bad Ones

WASHINGTON, DC - Responding to reports that the NSA has been allowed to spy in US citizens without a warrant thirty-one times over the last few years, President Bush indicated that he was only trying to protect Americans, and maybe find out something interesting about some rat bastard yellow democrats.

White House officials deny that Bush is using subliminal effects to distract reporters from attempting to ask him any serious questions.

"I think Americans secretly like being watched, especially when they're doing naughty things," said Bush.  "You should see some of the footage we got of Teddy Kennedy, but not after eating or drinking."

Chargers Spoil Everything

INDIANAPOLIS, IN - The quest for a perfect season has ended with imperfection for the Colts, thanks to a bunch of jerks from San Diego who selfishly put themselves and their own playoff hopes ahead of the dreams of young Hoosiers, who already have cold weather and below average dental genetics to deal with.

Some will say the important thing is the Superbowl, and while they may be right, one can not help but hope every Charger wakes up with a colony of maggots up his nose.

Columns                                      

Christobol - I'll Take Cash

Gertrude Sez

Iran Announces Jesus' Birth Was Faked

TEHERAN, IRAN - Following up on its recent international attention getting claim that the holocaust never occurred, Iranian officials announced this week that Jesus' birth was staged by Wal-Mart officials in 1976 to boost lagging fourth quarter sales.

This bigfoot, which Iran claims was captured near Fouke, Texas, was allegedly the Wal-Mart employee who came up with the whole idea of Christianity to boost sales.

Asked about Christmas traditions that predate the 1970s by centuries, Iranian officials simply pointed to their captive bigfoot, which flung poop at reporters.

Local                               

Giving Crafts for Christmas Is More Thoughtful

BLOODY STUMP, IN  -  When it comes to gift giving, the fact is that anyone can go down to the nearest discount superstore and plunk down a few dollars for the latest CD or video game.

Anyone can find a great gadget or a cool accessory.  It's not difficult to acquire any number of time saving or entertaining devices sure to delight even the most discerning of recipients.

So why not differentiate yourself by knitting your boss or lover an ipod?  It's sure to be completely unique, and it shows that you not only don't understand technology, but you're not very talented, either.

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Madame Bovine predicts that you should save the receipt for that diamond engagement ring you bought..

Found:  A great deal on mulch.  It's never too early to plan your spring gardening projects.  Why not surprise the lady in your life with a few bags of mulch, with maybe some manure thrown in?  

For $600 I can help you learn from my mistakes, so that you won't have to make them.  You can usually find me at the county lockup on Saturdays.

Christmas Special:  The Law Offices of Lucifer Mephistopheles is offering a 10% discount on all no-contest divorces.  Ask about our post-nup special! 

Sue:  I can't believe you think I broke up with you just to avoid buying you a present!  I only invited you to that New Years Eve bash as a friend, and they only had one room left.  Call me if you change your mind.  Also, do you have Amy's number?

 Look, the fact is, if you shrink a rented sweater you have to expect to pay for it, right?  Doesn't anyone read contracts anymore?

Jeff - I know you said you just want to be friends, and I do too.  I've asked around, and no one seems to think licking good-bye is normal.