National

International

Updates

Maybe He's A Method Actor

NEW YORK, NY - Lillo Brancato, Jr., who played an aspiring mobster on the hit TV show The Sopranos is now in critical condition after he was caught in the midst of a burglary by an off-duty policeman. 

Brancato liked to tell girls in bars that he can be seen walking across the bridge of this season five poster if you look "...really, really close."

Brancato and his partner Steven Armento, the father of a girl who fell for the bridge line, are facing murder charges.  They shot officer Daniel Enchautegui in the chest, but he still managed to shoot each of them several times, leaving them in critical conditions.  The hospital is working hard to save them so that they can be killed by lethal injection later.

Dr. Jack Smith of Our Lady of Perpetual Anger Hospital, where the two are recovering, indicated he had been able to graft a good portion of the men's penises to their eyelids, though he admitted "...it wasn't actually necessary."

Colts Remain Perfect Against Jags - Time to Rest?

JACKSONVILLE, FL - The Jags were supposed to be a speed bump in the Colt's quest for perfection, but they proved unable to slow Indianapolis, which sped over them like a crack head in a school zone.

Now the questions for coach Tony Dungy will be even more incessant than they have constantly been without ceasing all the time these last few weeks.  With home field advantage wrapped up throughout the playoffs, will you rest your starters and risk dropping a game or will you go for a perfect regular season and break the hearts of those very poor sports known as the 1972 Dolphins, who drink champagne every year when the last undefeated team loses?  For that reason alone, I say go for it.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Slip Sliding Away

Gertrude Sez

Hussein Welcomes Jamie Foxx and Snoop Dog to His Defense Team

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - Saddam Hussein's defense team got a much needed push as celebrities Jaimie Foxx and Snoop Dog are now appealing for clemency on behalf of the ex-dictator of Iraq.

Snoop was moved when he heard Saddam is writing a children's book warning against the excesses of being a mass murdering dictator.

In what some describe as a transparent ploy for sympathy, Saddam Hussein announced that he's working on a children's book, Frannie's First Fatwa, in which he will alliteratively warn youngsters to steer clear of becoming an oppressive leader and using WMDs against your citizens.

Local                               

Where Can I Get One of Those New X-Box Thingies?

SHEEP CROTCH, OK  -  If there's one thing that burns me up every Christmas, it's not being able to get the hottest toys or gadgets for my kids.

Why advertise the hell out of something and then not have it available for purchase?  How does that make sense?  

The only sensible conclusion is that manufacturers somehow profit from the Christmas tears of broken hearted children.  That just seems wrong to me.

Advertisement         

Madame Bovine has made contact with the four people Tookie Williams killed.  They still seem a bit miffed over it.

Found:  Almost no one will kick you out of a holiday party, even though you weren't invited and you're totally pigging out.  And even if they do, you usually have time to polish off about six cheesecakes.  

I can show you the nine can't miss secrets of becoming self-unemployed.

Get a free Microsoft X-Box 360 just for consulting with Lucifer Mephistopheles regarding your possible soft tissue injuries.  (Note: Delivery by March, 2068). 

Zeke: What we had was nothing short of beautiful, and that's how I want to remember it.  So don't think of this as me dumping you for your brother Mike.  Think of it as me preserving those special 54 seconds forever.

 Think turtle neck sweaters are just for rich Lexus driving sushi eaters?  Think again!  Call Jeff at 1-800-LIKE-WOOL and find out how you can rent to own a sweater with NO CREDIT CHECK.

Elaine - Just because I don't have a receipt doesn't mean I didn't buy you those diamond earrings and then get mugged like I told you.  Anyways, you said the important thing was that I was all-right.  Well, I'm still all-right.