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Condi Opens 'Whole Can of Whoop-Ass' on European Critics

WASHINGTON, DC - Condoleeza Rice unveiled her angry eyes this week as she addressed questions about secret CIA prisons being operated in Eastern Europe for the purpose of extracting information from detained terrorist suspects. 

Condi got a little heated discussing anti-terror efforts in Europe.

"I can't discuss ongoing efforts to stop terror, nor confirm or deny the existence of secret prisons where bad men are subjected to prehistoric dentistry," said Secretary of State Rice.  "However, hypothetically speaking, certain American efforts have helped to save European lives, so maybe certain critics over there ought to shut the hell up before I come for my visit, if you know what I'm saying."

Condi then messily devoured a puppy.

9/11 Commission Says U.S. Still At Risk

WASHINGTON, DC - At the formation of the 9/11 Commission to study U.S. preparedness for another terrorist attack, experts widely agreed that it is basically impossible to really be prepared.

The Commission is now reporting that the U.S. is unprepared for what they say is an inevitable attack.  "It's not a question of if," boldly predicted Vice Chairman Lee Hamilton.  He takes himself pretty seriously.

Given a timeframe of from now until forever, and an unlimited potential target list, Hamilton and crew have cleverly deduced that another attack will occur.

Columns                                      

Christobol - I'm a Lumberjack and I'm...Sore

Gertrude Sez

Hussein Brothers Angrily Shout and Walk Out of Trial

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - It's been another interesting week at the three-ring Hussein trial.  With new lawyers to replace the recently killed ones, proceedings reverted to their contentious ways, with both Husseins now bitterly angry that their heads are becoming cartoonish.

Are jailers really putting goofy head pills into the Hussein's malt-o-meal?

Among the defense motions rejected this week were:

• Allow Saddam to hold prosecution witnesses in a headlock while they testify.

• Request for a small box of hand grenades and a gassed up chopper.

• Exile in the Bahamas.

Local                               

Where Are the Kids With Shovels?

SWILL STREAM, IN  -  It's that time of year once again - snow falls from the sky two or three times a week, and if it ever manages to get above freezing, it's only long enough to create ice flows all over our drive and walk ways.  

When I was a kid, that meant it was time to break out the shovel and pick and go door to door offering to clear sidewalks for cash.  Sure, there were plenty of "Mrs. Needlemyers" who would give you $2 and a lukewarm cup of watered down hot chocolate for your troubles, but you learned to avoid them.  

Here I am with $4 and real hot chocolate.  Where are the kids?

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Madame Bovine can put you in touch with a dearly departed pet, now with 50% less stench.

Found:  Getting drunk on rum cake is pretty painful.  

It's Monday and you're at work.  If you'd have come to my free presentation at the Holiday Inn Express you would already own a Porche and be cruising around with some hot chicks.

Are you regretting your actions at the company holiday party?  Is the boss trying to make you pay for cleaning the vomit out of the copier?  Call Lucifer Mephistopheles.  I've saved the jobs of drunker idiots than you, believe me. 

Frank: Sorry your parents got food poisoning at my holiday party.  I thought it would be impressive to serve sushi, but I guess there's more to it than chopping up a bunch of dead fish and not cooking them.

 If you're paying more than 19% interest on your short term debt, you are EXACTLY the kind of customer we're looking for.  Come down to Johnny's Rent To Own Pawn-O-Rama Jewelry Exchange and let's talk some business!

Lost:  $4,300 cash, I think I left it in the bathroom at a toll oasis on I90-94 Eastbound.  If you found it, call Mike.  $50 reward.