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When You Hand Life Lemons...

DENVER, CO - After a particularly crummy year in which he so badly mismanaged FEMA's response to hurricane Katrina that he was actually let go, a nearly impossible feat amongst government employees, Michael Brown has decided to go the counterintuitive route of seeking more limelight and ridicule.

This man would like to personally consult you so that you can be prepared not to be like him.

Brown has set up a disaster preparedness consulting firm in Colorado.  He's hoping to help citizens and businesses in the Denver area before the next category five hurricane hits the state.

"I'd have to say the fine folks of Colorado are even less prepared for a hurricane than I was," said Brown.  "But thanks to my experience, I can help them know who to blame much more quickly, perhaps even before the disaster occurs.  For starters, we need to look at whatever idiot is running FEMA.  That program is a disaster in and of itself."

Retailers Unhappy With Friday's Haul

USA - The Friday after Thanksgiving is an important day for America's retailers.  Workers prepare for the event by mislabeling countless items and moving all the really good deals to a back room where friends and family members will buy them at their convenience while dumb people wrestle over the display models.

Apparently this only generated a paltry $8 billion in sales on Thursday, which left some stores wondering if it wouldn't be simpler to just send their employees out into the streets to directly mug people.

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Christobol - Ask Not for Whom You Pay Tolls

Gertrude Sez

Saddam Hussein's Trial Adjourned While Replacement Lawyers Sought

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - Saddam Hussein exchanged a few barbs with the judge in his trial this week, complaining that his crimes against humanity had been fabricated by American pigdog imperialists, and that too many of his lawyers keep dying.

The deposed mass murdering shithead also complained that his face is "...going a bit goofy."

The judge decided to adjourn until December 5th, when it is widely hoped that flesh eating bacteria can be spooned into Hussein's left ear.

In other developments, former U.S. Attorney General Ramsey Clark has joined Hussein's defense team, which just seems like a really stupid idea.

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Too Many Cooks

TAR POND, ID  -  We've all heard the saying, "Too many cooks, not enough Indians."  I never really knew what it meant, but always figured it had something to do with staying out of the kitchen when food is being prepared, or when there is clean-up to be done after food preparation.

That's why I always spend Thanksgiving Day planted in front of the TV, no matter how bad the football games are, drinking myself into a stupor and sending others to get more snacks and beer.

This year, once again, there weren't enough potatoes, I thought.  Somebody made something orange I didn't like, when they could have made potatoes.  Not enough Indians, I say.

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Madame Bovine is now offering a plate of leftover turkey with every palm reading, while supplies last.

Found:  It's not really possible to cook an 18 pound bird in your microwave minutes before dinner was supposed to be served.  

Sure, I could have spent another Thanksgiving doing shots off a supermodel's thigh in the Caribbean, but I wanted to spend it here in Waco, Texas, so I could share with you people the gift of compound wealth via gift investment.

Tired of standing in line for hours trying to get a special gift, only to have some rude person cut in line or worse?  It's time you called Hire-A-Goon.  Our specially trained, ultra-violent, steroid imbalanced thugs will ensure that you have a super shopping season.  

Susan: Sorry I didn't show up to meet your parents on Thanksgiving.  I had taken Detroit and the points.  I'm not all that sure I'll be able to make it to your sister's wedding, or to see you, uh, ever again.

 Fat Bertha's Catering is your one stop shop for any occasion where you're expecting a lot of heavy guests who care a hell of a lot more about quantity than quality.  I can fill even the most voracious eaters for $2 a head.

Lost:  My car at the mall.  It's a red SUV.  If you see it, please call Jeff.