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War On Terror Can Only Escalate As Voldemort Regains Human Form

BEIJING, CHINA - President Bush's international tour hit a bump this week as reporters asked off message questions regarding the return of he-who-must-not-be-snuggled.

Representative Murtha of Pennsylvania flips off reporters in a news conference.

"This just shows that we need to press forward in the international multilateral group effort of stamping out terrorism," said Bush.  "We're looking at possible ties between this Voldemort fella, and maybe Darth Vadar, as well as somebody called K-Fed, who's apparently quite noxious."

Back home, Congressman John Murtha suggested the U.S. soften its stance on Voldemort.  "Look, he probably won't be as evil this time around.  Has anyone tried giving the guy a hug?"

GM to Close Four U.S. Assembly Plants

DETROIT, MI - Having lost $4 billion so far in 2005, General Motors Corp. is expected to announce the closure of four U.S. assembly plants as part of a major restructuring effort.

"Everything is just fine," said a company insider.  "This is all part of a well designed plan that we have been formulating that we fully expect will help us stop hemorrhaging money like a decapitated pig.  Any talk of possible bankruptcy is just silly."

Rumor has it that the world's largest automaker will move production to India and shift from making cars to providing hot and spicy goat meat chili to monks in Tibet.  Insiders refused to comment on the rumor.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Giving Thanks

Gertrude Sez

Britain Tells Iran to Cooperate With Nuke Inspections

LONDON, ENGLAND - Jack Straw, British Foreign Secretary (which means he has to fetch coffee for the rest of the world!), said Iran must meet its non-proliferation promises or get used to not getting cream in their coffee.

This Iranian couple celebrated their commitment ceremony outside a nuclear facility, then were shot.

"Eventually, these blokes will catch on that we're fully intent on them giving up their nuclear ambitions.  We might even decide to levy a tax on their tea."

For its part, Iran maintained that it is enriching uranium for entertainment purposes only, not counting the small portions used to make bombs with which they hope to annihilate Israel.

Local                               

Why Not Invite An Indian Over for Dinner?

MANTUCKY, MN  -  Thanksgiving is rolling around once again, and here's a thought to gnaw on while your running around town looking for the perfect table decorations: Why not invite an Indian to dinner?

After all, this feast is really meant to commemorate the Indians' appreciation of us discovering them and helping them to build casinos, way back in the 1600s.  Before then, they pretty much just stood around looking at litter while a tear slowly rolled down a cheek, likely as not just wearing a loin cloth.

Last I checked, they're still running casinos, so I don't see why the tradition of them showing us some thanks should end.

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Found:  A fabulous recipe for fish.  The trick is you substitute a nice thick steak.  

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