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Senate Grills Oil Executives For Profits

WASHINGTON, DC - The Senate this week held special sessions to ask top oil executives whether profit motives had anything to do with high gasoline prices consumers have faced over the last six months.

This kind of scratch could net you a full gallon of gasoline in August.

"What I want to know, and I think this is a question the American people would like to see answered, judging by the kind of information I routinely gather from my navel, is whether or not you people are trying to make a bunch of money off this whole oil production business?" asked Hillary Clinton of New York.

"Absolutely not!" retorted Jack Gougeman, CEO of Oil Price Fixers of North America.  "That insinuation is an affront to every oil baron here!  We're just a bunch of adventurous gentlemen on a quest for mother earth's black milk for the betterment of society.  Any money we make in the endeavor is purely incidental."

Jesse Jackson Says T.O. Punishment Too Much

PHILADELPHIA, PA - Jesse Jackson is pressuring the Eagles to rescind their four game suspension and subsequent deactivation of selfish crybaby wide receiver Terrell Owens after he publicly fondled quarterback Donovan McNabb's puppy.

"That's too harsh," said Jackson.  "I mean, if he'd have mugged an old woman, you know, who wasn't asking for it, mind you, and then didn't quickly apologize and return at least half the money, then maybe I could see a one game suspension, with pay."

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Christobol - Eagles T.O.'d

Gertrude Sez

Gaza Deal "Damned Close" Says Rice

RAMALLAH, WEST BANK - Condoleeza "Condi" Rice, aka "The Condilator", aka "Rice Rice Baby", aka "P.Rice" paid a visit to Israeli P.M. Areil Sharon and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas to discuss their participation in a naked calendar she's putting together to promote colon awareness.

Above is an actual photo of your personal colon.

"We also discussed other issues, such as peace in Gaza," said Rice.  "One of the keys to that, I feel, will be for people to stop killing one another there."

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Time to Rethink Preserve?

CRUSTY ACRES, VA  -  There comes a time when a person has to step back and take stock of a situation.  At such a time, one may even find that they were wrong about something.  A big person doesn't shrink from that realization, but embraces it, kisses it full on the mouth, and maybe even squeezes its butt.

That's where I found myself this week, friends.  I was out front supporting proposition 4687 last year, bringing the world's only free range slug preserve to Crusty Acres.  I didn't want to hear all the nay-sayers.  As far as I was concerned, they could all die.

Well, if they did, I'd want to help Dr. Frankenstein glue abnormal brains back into their lifeless bodies, because I was wrong, people.  Who could have guessed that every one of the slugs would die?  Who would have predicted that not one, that's right, zero, nada, nil, zippo, goose-egg, nobody, no tourists would show up?  Not me.  So now I'm saying maybe that wasn't the best way for the town to spend that $4 billion.

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Madame Bovine can make a balloon animal containing the soul of a dearly departed friend or relative while you wait.

Found:  The reason six is afraid of seven.  Apparently, seven ate nine.  

Tired of the cold-shoulders and the brush-offs at the singles bars?  Tired of buying a girl $1700 worth of top shelf liquor only to have her take out a restraining order?  Tired of being told there's a piece of fish stuck in your teeth?  Can't help ya.

Tracy: I had a great time on Friday.  Your choice of restaurant was perfect, and the horse-drawn carriage was a great idea too.  I think we might really have something special.  Could you tell me your gender?  

For Sale:  Bird flu inoculation I made in my bathtub.  $6 a shot.

 At Carl's House of Ribs, we simply will not be satisfied until you are satisfied.  So please don't even come in here unless what will satisfy you is a big old plate of ribs, because that's really all we do, people.

Lost:  My ability to tell the difference between red and green M&Ms blindfolded.  Come to think of it, maybe that was just a lucky guess that time.