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Texas Death-Row Inmate Escapes, Is Captured

HOUSTON, TX - In an embarrassing development for Texas prison authorities, Charles Thompson walked out of prison by putting on street clothes and flashing a fake I.D. identifying him as the Supreme Ruler of the Milky Way Galaxy.

Perhaps Thompson mesmerized deputies with his come-hither convict look.

"We definitely will be reviewing our policies regarding leaving piles of civilian clothes and fake ids around the jailhouse," said Harris County Sheriff Billy "Billy" Bobthornton.  "We may also review our hiring policy as it pertains to complete morons."

Luckily for society, Thompson used his freedom to head over to Louisiana and get drunk.  Police there apprehended him after a brief scuffle in which only a few accidental groin shots were administered.

Scientists Still Have No Clue What Steers Tornados into Trailer Parks

NEWBURGH, IN - Once again a tornado has uncannily honed in on a defenseless trailer park, this time in southern Indiana, with typically devastating results.

Science is no closer to figuring out how tornados manage to do this then they are to determining why anyone likes Carrot Top.  Perhaps the time for asking "Why" is past.

Why not just set up defensive trailer parks around rural towns, and leave them empty?  Surely tornados can't tell if a park is inhabited, right?   

Columns                                      

Christobol - Really Working

Gertrude Sez

Paris Riots Continue, France May Surrender to Self

PARIS, FRANCE - Violence has erupted every night for nearly two weeks in the not-so-romantic city of Paris.  Poor Africans and their French born children living in squalor at the fringe of society have used the tragic death of two children hiding in a power station to spark massive public unrest.

It's really kinda getting out of hand over in France.

President Jaques Chirac, upon learning that Germany would not accept his surrender and come in to apprehend the rioters, has promised that he would think of something.  Addressing a crowd of concerned citizens, he soothingly told them: "Je suis Jaques.  Où est Monique? Aller à la plage."

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How About A Premiere Here?

PITTSVILLE, AR  -  Maybe we don't have a bunch of fancy stores where you can spend $1100 on a hat, or even pants that match a jacket, but that's no reason we should continue to be passed over by the cultural elite.

London hosted the premiere for the new Harry Potter movie.  I suppose the stars would prefer to hob-knob in London.  I suppose J.K. Rowling being a local pulled a few strings.  Well whatever.

I know at least a dozen kids right here in Pittsville who would have given their eye-teeth, if they had them, to be at that premiere, but they couldn't just fly off to London.  They can't even get to Little Rock, for crying out loud.  Is it too much to ask that our town be considered the next time a major motion picture has its debut?

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Madame Bovine will no longer accept Albania Express credit card orders, nor five party three state IOU's.

Found:  Terrell Owens' modesty.  Poor little thing is very sick and weak.  Not sure it'll pull through.  

Did you know you can lose fifteen pounds a day just by chewing gum?  It's true.  My cousin has a friend whose sister met a guy in Africa whose mother is trying to smuggle 17 million dollars out of the country.

Bill:  I don't care how you make your living.  The fact that you impersonate women in order to have phone sex with men for money doesn't bother me in the least.  I just don't like you.  You have too much ugly.  

For Sale:  Velvet cape.  This thing is a huge hit with the ladies, who instantly assume you're a dandy when they see you sporting it about town.  Act quickly and I'll throw in a cane, if you pay for it.

 Have you ever wished you could hypnotize carpenter ants and then have them do whatever you wanted?  Well wish no more!  It's not possible, so just forget it.

Lost:  My Inside Access Hollywood Insider, Issue 409.  I can't remember what flavor of ice cream drives Wynona Ryder completely wild.