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Miers Informed Bush Regrets She Must Withdraw

WASHINGTON, DC - After weeks of complaints from conservatives regarding the latest nomination, the White House announced that it was regretfully accepting Harriet Miers' completely voluntary withdrawal from consideration to fill the Supreme Court seat currently warmed by Sandra Day O'Connor.

Harriet ultimately decided that her dream of playing jazz clarinet for Jackson-Morgan Jr. High in Lafayette, Indiana would be compromised by a busy court schedule.

White House spokesmodel Scott McLellan made the announcement, indicating that it was just further proof how great a justice Miers would have been.  "Deciding to quit when her own party wasn't even going to support her showed some real wisdom," he said.

Miers was finally tracked down at a "Yay For Miers, Future Supreme Court Justice" rally.  When asked about her decision to withdraw herself from consideration and her replacement with conservative judge Samuel Alito, she said: "I what?  You're joking, right?"

Sox Sweep Astros, A Third of Chicago Watched

CHICAGO, IL - In the lowest rated World Series in the history of television, the Chicago White Sox defeated the Houston Astros four games to none, though each game was hotly contested and could have gone either way, which is always the case, but even moreso here.

Although Chicago and Houston are the third and fourth most populated cities in America, apparently most viewers tuned into Desperate Housewives instead.  They missed some real entertainment.  For example, when Conteras threw a live goat at Biggio with the count full, score tied, two down in the ninth - that was awesome.  And when Jenks came in to relieve in Game 4 completely naked?  You didn't see that on Desperate Housewives. 

Columns                                      

Christobol - Bizarro Storm

Gertrude Sez

Iran Holds Israel Annihilation Rally

IRAN - Could there be a stronger sign that the world believes the U.S. is unwilling to enter another skirmish than Iran's behavior?  Flouting international agreements regarding nuclear weapons?  Check.  President announces he wants to see a neighboring country wiped off the face of the planet?  Check.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has taken this camel as his number one concubine.

Does Ahmadinejad remember when Israel bombed its nuclear facilities?  Is he thinking they're too busy pulling out of Gaza to take note of his threats?  This reporter is not afraid to ask these hard-hitting questions, and then not even attempt to answer them.  

Local                               

Halloween Getting Spooky

RATS DEN, WY  -  If you're like most normal people, when you think of Halloween you think of cute costumes, kids walking down the well lit sidewalk on a brisk fall evening, and eating a caramel apple at Aunt Phyllis's place before settling in for a night of Pinochle.  

Unfortunately, not everyone is normal.  I noticed a few years back that some of the kids who show up for candy have taken to wearing costumes that appear to be scary on purpose.  Gone is Raggedy Ann, replaced by what looks a witch!  Gone is Howdy Doody, replaced by some sort of blood sucking night being.

And it's not just the kids.  Adults are ruining the holiday by treating it as an opportunity to put on skimpy, tight fitting outfits and then fornicate on my porch while taking all the damned Snickers bars.  Well, this year they'll have to settle for gum.

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Lost:  The ability to control my x-ray and superheat vision.  Now, when I'm trying to look through something, I'm just as likely to melt it.  It's very frustrating.  Also, sorry to whoever that lady on 5th Street was yesterday.