National

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Updates

Republican National Committee Claims They're "Just Visiting" in Jail

WASHINGTON, DC - The entire RNC, staying at a posh hotel at Ventnor Avenue, rolled a three and went to jail, directly to jail.  They did not pass go, and claim they did not collect $200.  They also have no idea what the hookers were doing at that hotel.

Philly's Allen Iverson says you can dress him like a republican, but that doesn't mean he'll start passing the ball.

Meanwhile, the National Basketball Association, concerned that the fact that most of its players dress like gangsta-thugs was giving it some sort of gangsta-thug image, instituted a new dress code.

San Antonio's Tim Duncan eloquently called the policy "retarded" and then complained that his new shoes "...look like a pump, and feel like a pump.  Don't try to tell me they feel like a sneaker.  Who the hell says sneaker, anyway?"

Sox Take First Two, Head to Houston's GoofyLand Park in Control

CHICAGO, IL - It was anything but boring, and not without a little controversy, but the South Siders are heading to Texas with the World Series advantage.  Paul Konerko's grand slam after a phantom hit batter was not enough to put away the feisty Astros, a team made up almost entirely of convicted Jaywalkers.

It took a walk-off homerun by Podsednik off the previously intimidating Lidge to beat Houston.  Lidge hadn't pitched since giving up a game losing homerun to Albert Pujols in the NLCS.  Now his last two outings have been disastrous, and he should probably just sell insurance.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Sports Can Make Ya Sick

Gertrude Sez

Earth Continues to Attack Inhabitants

KOLKATA, INDIA - Over 1 million people have been stranded by flooding.  In remote parts of Pakistan, victims of a massive earthquake are still waiting for assistance.  And Florida was hit with its four hundredth named storm this season, as Wilma made her uninvited appearance.

Maybe this is just earth's way of expressing her worry that we'll one day leave her for another planet.

It's high time the so-called International Association of Concerned Scientists for Getting Along With Mother Earth (PBS) does something other than dress up in skimpy goat costumes.  

Local                               

Still I Say: Do We Have to Finish the Season?

MINNEAPOLIS, MN  -  An improbable comeback victory against the hated Packers really doesn't mean much.  For one thing, the Packers recently lost a practice scrimmage against the Janesville, WI Junior Varsity Drill Team alternates.

For another, they appeared to win without really wanting to.  They were down 17-0 at the half.  Then they come out and settle for a field goal from inside the ten yard line to open the third quarter.  They settled for a field goal from inside the ten again midway through the fourth quarter to cut the lead to 17-13.

The fact that the Packers were so inept they allowed the Vikes to score the go-ahead touchdown and then score the winning field goal after kicking off with under thirty seconds left just shows that neither of these teams should play football.  The whole game was like: "You win, no YOU win, no really YOU win.  No, I insist, YOU win."

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Madame Bovine is getting a strong feeling that the Vikings may suck this year.  Also, don't count on Houston to get into the NFL playoffs.

Found:  A way off the island.  But if you think I'm telling those other jerks, you've got another think coming.  

My state-of-the-art soon to be patented elixir renders women incapable of resisting your charms.  Even if you don't have charms.  Unfortunately, you won't be able to afford it.  Loser.

Jake:  The number I gave you was a long distance scam in the Bahamas.  They can charge you up to seven hundred million dollars a minute.  Friends are telling me you have been calling it a lot.  Sorry.  

For Sale:  Solar powered vibrator.  I live in Seattle.  I don't know what the heck I was thinking.

 Learn the secrets of currency trading in Mexico.  Tip #1 - don't trade currency in Mexico!

Lost:  My invisibility cloak.  I know I had it at the Starbucks.  Then I set it down to stir my double mocha latte with lamb's milk, and then Shane knocked over the straws, and then I couldn't find it.