National

International

Updates

New York Times Wishes Miller Worked for the Post

NEW YORK, NY - After paying tens of thousands of dollars in fines and standing behind Judith Miller as she spent 85 days in jail to protect a source who had failed to even name Valerie Plame, and getting scooped on the story in the bargain, the New York Times is ready to dump Miller.

This is a look the NYT wouldn't really have minded leaving be.

Miller, who never actually wrote any articles about Plame, did write several stories concerning weapons of mass destruction before the U.S. invasion of Iraq that proved less than credible.  The Times later ran editorials criticizing itself for poor pre-war coverage, and vowed to go back to simply making things up rather than getting mislead.

In this episode, Miller apparently went to jail to protect vice presidential aide Lewis "Scooter" Libby for not mentioning Plame by name.  Even worse, while she sat in jail, other papers printed Libby's name in their coverage.  The Times was even scooped on Miller's release from jail.

South Siders Heading to First World Series Since '59

ANAHEIM, CA - The White Sox emerged from the shadow of their more famous cross-town team, ending a forty-six year World Series drought.  If they win the championship, it'll be the team's  first since 1917, when milk was a nickel.

Perhaps that will make amends for the "Shoeless" Joe Jackson era scandal, when the Sox threw games against the Cincinnati Reds in 1919.  This was back when players weren't rich, and an entire team was bought off for less than what one bench warmer makes in a single day in 2005.

Whatever happens, two things are certain:  Some people will take it too seriously, and next year they'll do it all again. 

Columns                                      

Christobol - Global Warming?  Here Please

Gertrude Sez

Iraq Constitution Appears to Have Gained Approval

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - In bad news for those who so hate the Bush administration that they'd prefer world disaster to anything that might remotely reflect positively on it, Iraqis returned to the polls to apparently approve a new constitution. 

Iraqis once again defied death threats to go to the polls, while Michael Moore kicked a puppy.

Iraq still has a long way to go, but it should be encouraging to all but the most die-hard cynics that ten million people were willing to risk their lives to vote, even if most did believe they were signing up for cable.  

Local                               

Do We Have to Finish the Season?

MINNEAPOLIS, MN  -  The Vikings used their bye week to install a new offensive strategy.  It didn't involve the taking shots down the field or blocking opponents in such a way that a running back might gain yards.

It thought well outside the box, involving hookers and booze and a couple boats.  When your team is struggling, it's usually because of a lack of hookers, booze, and boats.  

Still, even mixing in these missing ingredients, the Vikings managed to lose to the Bears 28-3 on Sunday.  The Bears, missing their starting QB and sporting the league's only uniform that incorporates miniskirts, officially suck.  Which brings up the question: "Can the Vikes simply forfeit the rest of the season now?"  

Advertisement         

Madame Bovine predicted that the White Sox would be the American League representatives in the World Series, she just miss-typed it as "Yankees."

Found:  Red and blue striped sock.  There's a large hole in the heel and a small one in the toe area, but otherwise it's filthy and somewhat stuck to a dead rodent.  Call Jim if it's yours.  

Tired of being rejected by beautiful women?  Learn the secrets of universal sex appeal from Rick "Ladies Man" Dungwart, who can also teach you to play trombone.

Bertha:  I'm sorry you didn't realize what I meant when I asked if you wanted to join "Big Sisters of Cleveland."  

For Sale:  Two-thirds of a Snickers with Almonds.  Thought it was a regular one.  Will consider trade for alternator for '76 Beetle.

 Will work for immense sums of money.  Contact Thad.

Lost:  Spidey sense.  Now I'm getting whacked all over the damned place.