National

International

Updates

Preparations for Potential Flu Pandemic Accelerate

ATLANTA, GA - The Center for Disease Control (PETA) is urging more urgency in the nation's efforts to prepare for a potentially deadly outbreak of Avian Bird Flu (URP).

If your finch or cockatiel looks like this, it may be sick.

U.S. Health Secretary Michael Leavitt has gone to Bangkok to tell the governments of Asia that we'd be much happier if they could just contain the disease there.  The worry is that an outbreak could be similar to the Spanish Flu Pandemic (MADD) of 1918, which reportedly caused between 20 and 40 million deaths.  How the hell can you have an estimate that covers a range of twenty million?

Meanwhile, experts in the U.S. are publishing health guidelines for Americans.  People should wash their hands, with running hot water and soap for a full minute several times a day, and avoid unprotected sex with infected birds.  

New Yorkers Ride Subway In Spite of Threat

NEW YORK, NY - While officials scrambled around looking for a possible terrorist plotter somewhere in New York City - population eight million - citizens went about their normal routines.

Officials had reported a semi-credible threat emanating from Iraq, saying that riders should be alert and report any suspicious activities, such as Arab-looking-people pushing a stroller containing a large amount of explosives where one would normally expect a dressed up puppy.

NYC Police received over 23,000 tips, most of them concerning Donald Trump's hair.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Fancy Eatin'

Gertrude Sez

Pakistan Rocked by 7.6 Magnitude Quake

ISLAMABAD, PAKISTAN - Mother Nature continued her worldwide rampage, killing over thirty thousand and leaving up to four million without shelter after unleashing the largest earthquake to hit South Asia in a hundred years. 

Aerial photo of the region shows Asians are better at labeling their cities than most.

The international community has expressed sympathy and offered assistance as Pakistani officials begin to cope with the devastation.

The U.S. is sending in helicopters, along with an initial $50 million in aid.  That number could immediately increase by $100 million if it turns out Osama bin Laden was killed in the quake.   

Local                               

Crackdown Promised as New Orleans Begins Rebuilding Process

BATON ROUGE, LA  -  As citizens returned to New Orleans to clean up and rebuild homes and businesses destroyed by Hurricane Katrina, many found that others had already taken what was salvageable from their properties.

Police there have announced a crackdown on such activities, and even created a "looting squad."

After initial confusion led to actual police looting, officials met with officers to carefully define their roles, and the theft rates have really dropped.

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Madame Bovine is now registered as a minister for the online congregation of people with $10.  As such, she now can preside over your wedding via email.

Found:  Frighteningly unhealthy appetite for cocktail weenies.  I've eaten over three hundred pounds of them in two weeks.  Does anyone know of a cure for this addiction?  

Traveling to California by car and worried about high gas prices?  Why not let me share the cost?  I need to get my dog Squirt to Sacramento so that he can have an operation to treat CDS (constant diarrhea syndrome)

Want to dress like a bank president without spending up to a hundred dollars like the high rollers do?  Come to Cheap Eddie's Fashion RV when it parks near the IHOP on 24 this Wednesday..

Larry - I guess you were right.  It's herpes after all.  I have some literature we can look over when we meet your parents in Vail this weekend.

 It took me nine years of studying to learn how to ask Monique to stuff a cheese covered monkey up my ass in French.  But I can teach you in three days!

Lost:  Five dollars worth of gas.  When I farted.