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Bush Announces Miers as O'Connor Replacement

WASHINGTON, DC - President Bush announced his second Supreme Court nominee in under a fortnight, at least I think it's less than a fortnight.

For many, the idea of replacing O'Connor with a woman is very important.

"They told me I get to nominate another judge, so that's what I'm doing, with Harriet here.  She's never been a judge, but it's my understanding she's never lost a game of Clue, either."

Miers has been serving as White House counsel.  Previously, she worked as an illegal alien crossing into Mexico to sell gum to tourists, and as a spokes model for the Hair Club for Men.  

DeLay Expects to Beat Rap

WASHINGTON, DC - Having stepped aside as House majority leader due to technicalities requiring representatives to do so when there is a chance their ability to serve might be interrupted by a jail term, Tom DeLay of Texas appeared on talk shows to assure everyone not so much that he's innocent, but that his lawyers are confident he'll win.

He's accused of conspiring to illegally funnel corporate contributions to state legislators, and goat groping.

"My lawyers tell me that the charges are embarrassingly frivolous, and that in any event we've got this judge in our pocket.  Plus, that was my goat," said DeLay.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Sportsmanship?

Gertrude Sez

Austria Tells EU to "Hold the Turkey"

LUXEMBOURG, LUXEMBOURG - Just as talks concerning Turkey's admittance into the European Union, with the unfettered access to the European Body Hair Club, were set to begin, Austria threw a turd into the punch bowl.

Her majesty the queen has won "Miss Luxembourg" for seventy-three straight years.

Austria contends that Turkey should be offered a partial membership, devoid of parking privileges and requiring the Turks to wear frilly French maid outfits.  Turkey has invited Austria to experience conjugal relations with an angry snake.  

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Even Into Rich Lives, Some Rain Must Fall

SQUIRREL GROIN, PA  -  After six months of engagement bliss, she has once again shocked the world with an earth shattering announcement.

The match made in heaven has gone up in smoke as Paris announced she will not marry Paris after all.  Critics may think the idea lost its appeal after the heiress noticed nobody really cared.  Some will write the whole thing off as a publicity stunt.

But I prefer to think she's crushed.

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Madame Bovine now offers ballroom dance lessons via telephonic hypnosis.

Lost:  Any recollection of what happened in Season One on Three's Company.  I think there were some misunderstandings, but I can't remember them.  Please call Jack if you can.  

Time Shares in Gary, Indiana.  What smell?

Learn to be a Fortune 500 CEO at Big Jim's Bait and Tackle Shop on Highway 16.  Class size is limited, so get your $23 registration in early  Ask about our "free slugs" promo.

Shannon:  I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I live in a friend's car, and that it doesn't run, and that I'm wanted for impersonating Elvis so poorly a child died.  Please let me take you to dinner, or maybe we could just cook in at your place?

 Scientists say we only use 10% of our brains.  I can show you how to use the other 70%!

Found:  Coupons for corn.  There must be thousands of them.  No way I can eat that much corn.  Call Jerry.  Will consider trade for a '78 Pinto wagon.