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White House Pressures Mother Nature to Give Up WMDs

WASHINGTON, DC - White House officials claimed a partial victory as hurricane Rita caused fewer than anticipated fatalities in her passage through Texas and Louisiana this weekend..

Traffic leaving Houston was pure, unmitigated hell.

"I believe our negotiations with Mother Nature influenced her decision to back Rita down to a Cat 3 as she approached Texas," said White House spokes model Scott McLellan.  "We're still considering the environmental demands she has made, but have also assured her we'll blow up the planet if she doesn't back the hell off."

It remains to be seen whether the strategy of peace through assured mutual destruction will work as well with Mother Nature as it did with Mother Russia.  

Blanco Asks for $32 Billion in Federal Assistance

NEW ORLEANS, LA - It is not a surprise that Kathleen Blanco, governor of Louisiana, which has been hit by two hurricanes in less than a month, is asking for a large bucket of money from Uncle Sam.

What may surprise some unfamiliar with Louisiana politics is that she is requesting it for her own personal recovery.  "With all that I stole from the taxpayers, I probably lost more than anyone in these storms," said Blanco.  "It breaks my heart to think that privileged guests might never again enjoy my titanium poodle sculpture garden."

Columns                                      

Christobol - The More Things Change

Gertrude Sez

Israelis and Palestinians Fire Missiles at One Another

JERUSALEM - In a surprising development only to those who haven't been paying attention for the last several decades, violence erupted in Gaza over the weekend as Israeli air strikes answered Palestinian mortars.

Donald Trump's living room is marginally larger than the Gaza Strip.

Sides have agreed to try to limit the number of explosive devices hurled at one another while negotiations continue with Disney for a senseless death theme park.  

Local                               

"No" to Traffic Relief

DANK FOLDS, AR  -  Led by councilman Les Crotchgirth, the town hall voted against studying traffic flows to evaluate a bypass of downtown Dank Folds.

"This is a town of forty-three households with sixty-seven vehicles, including farm equipment skate boards.  And besides, the entire budget for fiscal 2006 is eighty six dollars.  I once again move that we close the meeting and start drinking beer," said Crotchgirth, in a near verbatim repeat of his speech last month.

Once again, his motion carried unanimously, and progress for Dank Folds looks all but dead.

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Madame Bovine, while not licensed to practice law by any of the municipalities within the United States,  remains willing to take any and all cases of people able and willing to pay the upfront retainer.

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To whom it may concern:  The All-You-Can-Eat tripe special at Kaptain Krude's is not really all you can eat.  They've run out the last three Saturday nights.