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Bush Takes Blame for Federal Katrina Response

NEW ORLEANS, LA - Addressing the nation from the storm ravaged Cajun capital, President George Bush announced a $200 billion dollar rebuilding promise for the Gulf region, while taking the blame for the failures in federal relief efforts immediately following hurricane Katrina.

Bush held his breath for over six minutes during the above speech.

This strategy appeared to catch democratic party strategists completely off guard.  Interviewed after the speech, Senator Kerry said, "The President has once again failed to take any sort of responsibility.  It's like that time he beat me in the election, what the hell was that all about?"  

Informed that Bush had, in fact, taken responsibility, Kerry scoffed, "That's just like him.  Let me tell you something.  This was my fault way the hell before it was his fault.  It's just like him to try to take responsibility here.  Of the two of us, I believe I'm the only one with heroic boat experience, so if anything, I should have acted."

Schwarzenegger Announces Re-Election Plans

SACRAMENTO, CA - To the delight of his republican lunch crowd, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger laid out part of his platform for election in 2006.

Claiming unions command too much power, the Beefy One discussed initiatives designed to weaken organized labor's ability to oppose him in such an organized way.  He also denied rumors that his re-election bid has anything to do with the fact that no one will ever pay him to be in a film again.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Who Wants Spam?

Gertrude Sez

Germany's National Vote Results in Embarrassing Tie

BERLIN, GERMANY - In another blow to Germany's contention that it is a real country that should be taken seriously, polls closed with no clear winner between Angela Merkel's conservatives and Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder's Social Democrats.

Voter turnout was improved by the strategy of hiding the ballots in large piles of brats.

Both Merkel and Schroeder are claiming victory, and the actual results may take weeks to determine.  There may even be legal wrangling.  Can you imagine anything so embarrassing for a so-called democracy?  

Local                               

How Prepared is Heck's Noodle for the Next Big One?

HECK'S NOODLE, ND  -  In the wake of hurricane Katrina, and the ugly ramifications of poor governmental preparations it has displayed for one and all, communities everywhere are taking another look at their own emergency protocols.

Heck's Noodle should be no different.  Yet the town council meeting Wednesday largely consisted of watching a video of Swanson's cow getting impregnated by a donkey.

Let me ask you something:  If we experience another butter shortage like the one in '72, will you be comforted knowing that our leaders spent an evening watching slow motion replays of donkey-cow mounts while you spread margarine on your children's muffins?  

I won't.

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