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Hell to Open New Wing

VESTIBULE OF HADES - They say it's always busy here, but it's downright hectic these days.  Damned soul processor Ethan Dickweed says he hasn't seen such a jump in demand for hell's services since Achy Breaky Heart was a hit. 

Hell is filled with Achy Breaky Hearts.

This time around, Hell's increase in demand is fueled by Katrina.  "We've got to make more space for politicians trying to cash in on the crisis for their own agendas," said Dickweed.  "Then we've got the gangs who victimized the victims, of course.  And we're cooking up something special for the people who are setting up phony charities."

Lucifer could not be reached for comment, as his office indicated he is busy preparing for Roberts' confirmation hearings.

Roberts Hearings Set to Begin

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The confirmation hearings for John Roberts, who has been nominated to replace Rehnquist as the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, which would also automatically make him captain of their bowling team, are set to begin Monday morning, with the traditional Senate breakfast at IHOP.

By around noon, however, Senators from both sides of the aisle expect to begin grandstanding for the cameras.  Preparations have been highly secretive, but insiders indicate that more than fifteen dozen whoopee cushions and at least one robotic Bigfoot have been ordered.

"The main thing, of course, is to make sure we have enough nachos," said one staffer.  "My goodness, do we go through the nachos."

Columns                                      

Christobol - Wee Football

Gertrude Sez

Rioters in Belfast Destroy Their Own Neighborhoods

BELFAST, IRELAND - Protestants from traditionally struggling neighborhoods took to the streets to burn vehicles and fight police this weekend, in the hopes of making their living conditions even worse.

Northern Belfast or Detroit after a championship?

It is unclear at present what set the protests off, but some say it could have been boredom, or else decades of extreme squalor.  

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Can We Get Some Relief Here?

BACON ELBOW, NM  -  Ever been to a child's birthday party?  There is always some sort of entertainment, a bunch of presents, cake and ice cream, that sort of stuff.

And everything revolves around the birthday child.  He or she gets to try every game first, gets served cake first, and gets to open every single present.  

If you look around, you'll usually find another child, forgotten in all the excitement.  And maybe she's clutching her head and quietly crying, while ants consume her pinky toe.  But no one sees, because it's not her day.

I think Bacon Elbow, NM, is that little girl these days.  All the attention is in the Gulf while we suffer above average pollen counts in isolation.

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Madame Bovine would like Mr. Peters to know that she meant beware the Ides of September.  Sorry for any confusion on the matter. 

Found:  Black or dirty gray cat.  Doesn't really answer to any name I've tried.  Very scratchy when attempting to snuggle in a bath.  Please call Don if this sounds like your special cat.  

Caroline:  Looks like I've finally rid myself of clingy old Helen.  Now our love can really blossom.  Please come to my apartment, and bring beer.

How many times have you asked yourself:  "I wonder what that spider tastes like?"  I can tell you what almost any spider tastes like, for only $12, plus shipping and handling.

SWM:  Enjoys long afternoons watching football while women folk cook things and get aroused.

 Ever wonder how some people manage to pick the winners in the weekly football pool and you don't?  It's because they're a lot smarter than you.  Probably also better looking.

Larry:  Never mind, I guess it is what it looked like.  I'll try to find you another monkey.