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Rolling Stones Back on Tour, Cher Next?

BOSTON, MA - Striking a blow for senior citizens everywhere, the Rolling Stones opened their Start Me Up tour at the Shady Acres Geriatric Center for Very Old Persons. 

Mick and Keith may well be 200 years old, but they still put on one hell of a show.

Fans were treated to updated songs, as Satisfaction was replaced in the set with My New Hip and You Got Me Rocking was replaced with I Love Soup.

An early mishap occurred when Mick's dentures flew from his mouth while shouting lyrics to the crowd, but they were soon returned to him and the show continued.  Later in the set, Richards suffered a heart attack and had to be shocked back to consciousness, but "it wasn't very serious," and "happens two or three times a day" according to the rock warrior.

Joan Baez, Even Older Than Stones, Lands Free Gig With Protesters 

CRAWFORD, TX - The media circus near President Bush's ranch lost its founder when Cindy Sheehan left her vigil to be by her ailing mother, but it gained aging folk legend Joan Baez, who took a break from her fiber regimen to join the protest.

While very few of the anti-war demonstrators knew who Baez was, or even noticed that she'd arrived, her presence was welcomed, since she brought juice to share.

"I basically don't have anything to do," said the folk icon as she drooled on her guitar.  For a moment it appeared she would launch into a performance, but then she settled in for a nap on a plate of slaw.

Asked about the appearance, Baez's agent expressed shock to learn that she remains alive.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Oxymoron

Gertrude Sez

Iraq Constitutional Draft Somewhat Flawed

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - After more than a year of work, the constitution for Iraq remains unready for ratification, according to sources close to the process.  The document is now one page long.

Some feel the constitution ought to be typed, and perhaps not illustrated.

"Right now it's basically a collection of recipes and knock-knock jokes, with a fair amount of doodling," said Hussain al-Shahristani.  "Still, that represents tremendous progress.  You should have seen the crap we were working with last month."

Local                               

Are You Ready for Some Football?

GLOB JUNCTION, WY  -  The NFL started camps weeks ago, and is already well into its very boring pre-season schedule.

But real fans in the area got their first taste of football fever this week with the Pee-Wee Draft, in which new 4th, 5th, and 6th graders were assigned to teams.

There was a good deal of interest among the parents as the boys tried on helmets and shoulder pads.  The highlight was, as usual, the tryout session.  Each kid had the opportunity to run several feet, and then try to both catch and throw a football.

Avery Reflux's boy caused the most stir.  Jessup, a 4th grader weighing nearly 82 pounds, came very close to getting a hand on the pass thrown to him, and then threw the ball well over fifteen feet, counting the roll.

The Bunnies drafted him with their first pick, but we'll have to see whether that leads to their first score in league history.

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Found:  Collection of strings cut to various lengths.  But I'm keeping them.  

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