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Bored With Iraq, Bush Eyes Iran

CRAWFORD, TX - Asked outside his ranch about positive and negative developments regarding Iraq, such as the impending constitution and the mother who has set up a protest camp outside his property, President Bush instead chose to talk about neighboring Iran. 

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad needs to ask himself whether or not he feels lucky.

"Things are shaping up in Iraq, sure, though I think we all wish they'd quit with the bombs and such.  But those Iranians, now, they worry me.  I mean, they have, what, a kajillion barrels of oil?  And they want us to believe their nuclear program is for energy?"

Bush then performed a quick-draw stunt in which he shot a bunny from forty yards, to the delight of all in the crowd except one small girl, whose 4H project it had been. 

Medicare to Consider Adult Day-Care Programs 

WASHINGTON, DC - In an effort to reduce the cost of recovery for elderly and disabled patients after hospitalization, Medicare is considering expanding adult day-care operations.

The idea is a sound one.  Certainly it is cheaper to provide the necessary care for recovery outside a hospital setting, where even an aspirin costs taxpayers upwards of one hundred billion dollars.

But it doesn't go far enough.  Why not combine elderly day-care with infant day-care?  How often do you hear new parents lament the expense of baby sitting?  And how often do grandparents complain that they never see their grandchildren?  Why not solve both problems at once?  Chances are the elderly won't even know it's not their grandchildren they're sitting.

Columns                                      

Christobol - Mind If I Rant?

Gertrude Sez

Israel Begins Pullout from Gaza Strip After 38 Year Occupation

JERUSALEM, ISRAEL - Prime Minister Ariel "Little Mermaid" Sharon assured Jewish settlers that he could feel their pain, but announced that the time has come for Israel to leave the Gaza strip.

This detailed map shows exactly what I'm talking about.

He also warned Palestinians that he would open a full can of whoop ass and then some if Israel is attacked after making this concession.

It remains to be seen whether the removal of 8500 settlers will be enough to alleviate the overcrowding of 1.4 million Palestinians in an area the size of Shaquille O'Neal's living room.

Local                               

Local PETA Chairwoman Caught Roasting Endangered Species

GOAT'S NOB, IN  -  If you own a pet in Talahoochie County, chances are you've heard of Norma P. Flatbottom.  She is the self-appointed chairwoman of the local chapter of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals organization. 

She is also its sole member.  Locals say this is not because no one in the county actually cares about animals or how they are treated, but rather reflects a unanimous hatred of Ms. Flatbottom, who has been known to be somewhat abrasive in her efforts to safeguard woodland critters.

Take, for example, her assault of Gerald Pootshorts in April of '92.  Driving home after volunteering at the local fair as a hooker, the then 87 year old Pootshorts was barely able to avoid hitting a possum on farm road six.  Flatbottom, surmising that the possum had been needlessly frightened, and blaming Pootshorts for not voluntarily adhering to her suggested five mph speed limit on all roads, forcibly removed his artificial hip with a rake.

Now it turns out she bar-b-ques baby seals.  What a bad person. 

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Madame Bovine knows which diet ends up working for you.  What if it's none of them?  You are wasting your time. 

Found:  CD someone recorded at one of those studios you find at amusement parks.  I think you were trying to sing "Blue".  You very suck.  

Ellen:  I'm sorry I backed over your mother.  Please return my calls.  I'm sure she would have wanted you to date me.