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Bill Clinton Blockbuster Revelation: He Was Once Fat

ATLANTA, GA  - Pausing over a plate of spicy pork ribs at Large Jimmy's BBQ Shack, former president Bill Clinton pointed a bone at an obese patron, smiled, and said:  "That used to be me."

"You used to wear a pink spandex leotard out in public?" he was asked. 

Former president Bill Clinton thinks about French fries.

"No!" replied Clinton.  "I used to have a Casio watch that I had to clasp around my chubby wrist with a bread tie to extend the band, and which always flashed 12:00, like that guy.  Look, the point is, children are fat, and with all the TV and video games, they're only going to get fatter.  I figure there is no one young children listen to more than an ex-president, so I'm telling them to eat right and exercise, and thereby saving the planet." 

Senate Preparing for Roberts Hearings 

WASHINGTON, DC - The  battle lines have been drawn in the upcoming confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee John Roberts.

It is anticipated that Democrats, who are completely shocked that a Republican president would try to shift the court to the right, will ask Roberts a series of pointed questions on issues that are likely to appear before the court, and that Roberts will refuse to answer those questions.

But Democrats have a few other cards to play as well.  Without tipping their hand too far, Senator Charles Schumer of New York indicated that he intends to quietly attach a rider to an upcoming bill that would require nominees to be able to "play a mean fiddle" just as soon as his people verify whether or not Roberts in fact can.

Senator Hillary Clinton, meanwhile, planned to introduce legislation banning any justice whose name rhymes with "Bobbarts."

Columns                                      

Christobol - To Boldly Go

Gertrude Sez

Iran Resumes Uranium Conversion

ISFAHAN, IRAN - In a move virtually guaranteed to anger most of the Western world, Iran decided to resume uranium conversion as part of their "Energy Program", since it's not as if they have enough oil.

Think how many light bulbs this would power.

United States and European Union representatives have urged Iran to abandon its nuclear program, doubting that it is really focused on energy production, and offering to give Iran coupons for free haircuts if they'll just go along.

At present, Iran has upped the ante.  It remains to be seen just how many coupons the west has to offer.

Local                               

Some Fast Food Not Really Giving Extra-Value 

HOUSTON, TX  -  Virtually every fast food chain offers a variety of "meal deals".  The idea is that most people will have difficulty appropriately pairing up the variety of meat, potato, and soft drink options into a full meal if left completely unaided in the ordering process.

It is also quite common to find that, for an extra fee, one can increase the size of the potato and soft drink portions.  This is a good idea for the restaurant, as studies routinely show that the average store throws away 400,000 pounds of uneaten fries a day, and that soda costs them a nickel a year.

Why is it, then, that every time I opt for the "extra value" I end up with a half filled carton of fries and a soft drink consisting almost entirely of ice?

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