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Astronomers Change Their Minds Again

PASADENA, CA  - Astronomers announced the discovery of a tenth planet in our solar system.  This means that countless science fair projects, high school papers, and crappy little models must be recalled and redone.  For many, it could mean a return to school after decades away. 

On the plus side, we may have an explanation for where Michael Jackson came from.

This new planet is 9 billion miles away from earth, farther than even Pluto, which is the excuse astronomers are giving for not having discovered it before now.

This is little consolation to fifty year old men having to return to their Junior High schools to repeat seventh grade as a result of recalculated course averages taking into account their failure to identify the tenth, and thus far nameless planet on quizzes and in projects.

"I feel a little bit ripped off," said Rocky Stubbletoes, as he arrived at summer school with his grandson.  

White House to Avoid Bolton Fight 

WASHINGTON, DC - After lengthy delays in the confirmation process for Michael Bolton, who is President Bush's choice for U.N. Ambassador, the White House thinks they may have found a way to diffuse the situation.

Democrats have been concerned that Bolton's allegedly gruff management style and aggressive personality would make him a poor ambassador.  In addition, his past statements, such as the time he said: "If I ever get to be U.N. Ambassador, I'm going to try and kill every one of those foreign bastards!" would make it difficult for him to fit in, they argued.

White House spokesmodel Scott McLellan announced a plan to avoid the partisan confirmation fight.  "We're just going to do a recess appointment, which means Congress can go [edited] itself." 

Columns                                      

Christobol - Summertime Blues

Gertrude Sez

Zimbabwe's Affirmative Action Program Struggling

HARARE, ZIMBABWE - President Robert Mugabe's aggressive affirmative action plan, the mechanism of which is the violent seizure of land from whites to be given to blacks, has hit a snag.

Mugabe has indicated that the collapsing economy of Zimbabwe "looks fine" as far as he can see.

The main problem seems to be that the people forced from the land are skilled farmers, while those replacing them are not.  Most of the seized farms are therefore failing to grow crops, which some argue are a key element to any successful farming operation.

But Mugabe is sticking with his vision, brushing off central bank suggestions that at least a few skilled farmers ought to be allowed to return.  He's also adding dirt-clods to the national food pyramid.

Local                               

Summer Break Nears End 

BAKERS POT, PA  -  The water splashing from the pool's edge, the high pitched squeals of children as they play another mindless game, the carefree, structureless fun of summer - it's all coming to an end.  Thank goodness!

If you're like most parents, you secretly hate all that free time and fun that children enjoy from June to mid-August.  Why should they get to play every day while you work?  And then they whine that they're bored!

They'll be back in school soon, and I hope their teachers really sock it to them.

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