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Grand Theft Auto: Sociopath Gets Rare 'Adults Only' Rating

SAN FRANCISCO, CA  - Take Two Interactive Software, makers of the very popular Grand Theft Auto video game series, are upset over the recent change in ratings that has moved their latest offering to the porn shelves. 

Grand Theft Auto has characters a lot like Mrs. Pac Man, except with a better body.

The game has always been controversial, but the heat was turned up in the last week by Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, who took time away from her busy legislative schedule to weigh in on the game.

"This beloved series has taken a turn for the worse," said Clinton.  "It's one thing to encourage kids to fantasize about stealing cars and killing policemen and citizens while suggesting sexual encounters, but to allow rated 'R' sex scenes to be viewed is just outrageous."

For their part, the game's writers claim that the original code only allows players to work in a charitable soup kitchen, and that hackers have created all this shocking sex and violence.

White House Mulls Memo Request 

WASHINGTON, DC - Democrats eager to uncover skeletons in Supreme Court nominee John Roberts' closet have requested confidential documents relating to his tenure as deputy solicitor general under Bush Sr.

"We will be as accommodating as possible," said Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, "but I do not expect we'll be able to hand over the one about sterilizing all Democrats with a hammer."

Senator Patrick Leahy said he expected the issue to be worked out, and that "we will then proceed to give his ass-face a fair and impartial confirmation hearing." 

Columns                                      

Christobol - Tour de Lance

Gertrude Sez

'Tour de Lance' Ends With Another Armstrong Victory

PARIS, FRANCE - For the seventh consecutive year, the Tour de France has ended with cyclist Lance Armstrong as the overall champion.

Some took offense to a perceived lack of respect from Lance this year

Cycling's most dominant figure ever had no trouble defending his title, riding many of the challenging mountain stages on a unicycle.

Armstrong has often been called "the anti-Grinch", referring to his abnormally large heart, which helps give him superhuman stamina.  But competitors were questioning the kindness of his heart as he taunted them from his unicycle while eating bag after bag of pork rinds the last three days of the race. 

Local                               

Jeff "Tiger" Wilson Wins Greater Skagsville Open 

SKAGSVILLE, WEST VIRGINIA  -  A time may be coming in the world of golf when you can no longer write stories about "Tiger".

"Which Tiger?" your readers may ask.

That's because up-and-comer Jeff "Tiger" Wilson just won his second straight Greater Skagsville Open, which crowns the finest miniature golfer in the county.

Some may wonder whether the 29 year old will ever make it on the PGA tour, but, as Wilson says, "You drive for show and putt for dough."  Of course, in this case, he was putting for free ice-cream.

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