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Identify the Man Who Tried to Kill the Leader of the Free World and You Can Pocket $83K

TBILISI, GEORGIA  - When President Bush spoke in Georgia in May, one member of the crowd was noticeably less receptive than the others.  It was the guy who threw a grenade.  Granted, the grenade failed to explode, but in terms of international etiquette, such things are considered a faux pas (literally: chicken alfredo).

Name this guy or girl or whatever and you could find yourself driving a luxury automobile.

This embarrassing situation has not been taken lightly by the Georgian police, who have acted quickly to determine just how much the life of the most powerful individual in the world is worth:  $83K.

"We had a couple meetings," said Interior Minister Vano Merabishvili, "and pretty quickly determined that eighty-two thousand was simply too little, while eighty-four would be a bit extravagant."

Jude Law is Sorry 

LONDON, ENGLAND - Jude Law held a press conference to publicly apologize to his fiancé, actress Sienna Miller, for humping his children's nanny.

"I just want to say, to Sienna, and to our families, that I deeply regret the steamy, mind blowing sex I had with Daisy Wright.  If I had it all to do over again, well, first of all, I'm not sure I'd be physically capable.  A man's heart may not be able to withstand the sheer exertion of such an unbelievable, naughtylicious...I mean, damn, it was awesome!  But anyway, I'm sorry."

Miller's publicist offered no comment regarding Law's apology. 

Columns                                      

Christobol - Naming Nature

Gertrude Sez

Polanski Sues Conde Nast for Saying Mean Things

LONDON, ENGLAND - Vanity Fair published an article in 2002 claiming that film director Roman Polanski seduced a woman on the way to the funeral for his murdered wife, Sharon Tate.

"I did not seduce that woman.  Look how old she is!"

Polanski denies this accusation, and is suing for damages.

Known for his films Chinatown, Rosemary's Baby, and The Pianist, Polanski testified by video link from Paris, where he lives.

He did not wish to come to London to testify, for fear that he would be arrested and extradited to the United States, where he has confessed to having had sex with a thirteen year old girl.

Apparently, he sees no hypocrisy in being a convicted child molester who doesn't want people to say mean things about him. 

Local                               

Why Doesn't ESPN Carry Redneck Games? 

EAST DUBLIN, GA  -  Ten years of holding the games, ten years of being snubbed by major networks.  

Are we to believe that there is an insufficient number of households in America desiring to watch fat people in mud?  Or would an massive conspiracy be easier to swallow?

I vote conspiracy.

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